After how many fucking weeks, you were at last able to reach Kristina, and you talked to her for hours, macam baru jumpa balik boyfriend
"And then he say, I'll go very far..."
"Ya, you told me that already."
"Fuck, why don't you stop me then, Kristinochka?"
"Because I love to hear the story again."
"Oh my God... you are so cute... I love you... oh my God..."
"Now don't cry."
*
And bitch, did you just cry on the phone... I miss you, Kristinochka... I miss you so much.
*
Sometimes, home is not a place, it's a person.
Ummi thinks I was being too picky,
Dah ada yang berkenan kat hang, tinggai nak mai minang ja,
Hang takmau.
Pasaipa?
*
He's character might not suit.
*
Takpa, tu slowly boleh develope...
*
That's the core problem, dear Ummi.
I do not wanna walk in a relationship expecting the other person to change. For better or worse. In fact, I marry someone for the sake of him being himself. If I can accept him as the way he is, that's enough already. Why change someone for your own benefit? That's selfish.
It is not my job to take care of him, to teach him what to believe, to show him how to think. It goes both ways, vice versa. It is unfair for me and for him.
The problem of you and Abah was that when you were both married, you both had the idea that
"oh... I taught her enough already, she understands the life now. She understands God. I shall tell het how to dress up like a proper woman, think like a true servant of God."
"He will change for the better. When he has child, he will be more responsible. He still has good character in him."
*
Many partners in relationship try to change theirselves so as to suit to their counter partners. The force themselves to believe in what their partners believe. Truth is, they don't know. They haven't found themselves yet. But they are much more afraid to loose their partner.
So they live a beautiful lie. Until one day, when they can't lie to themselves no more, they freak out. There comes in the trust issue. Jealousy kicks in.
Thing is, when you are being pretencious, you can never raise a loving family. Because children, they are pure. They can sense fakeness. Even if it comes from their own parents. And that, effect their mental well being.
You guys might at last at par to each other but that'll take what...30 years. If you wanna waste your 30 years figuring out your marriage, be my guest.
I know I don't wanna waste 30 years fighting, pendam rasa with my counter partner.
I wanna be his best friend. To achieve wonders with him. I wanna solve real external problem and challanges with him. Not some shitty internal relationship problem. That's not my fight.
So kalau hang rasa nak kahwin semata sebab hang berjaya membentuk pemikiran, attitude, etc boyfriend/girlfriend ikut acuan hang, better hang pikiaq balik, is it fair for him/her?
Sampai bila hang nak payung orang? Time hang koyak barai nanti, you will be needing someone like you to lift you up again. In other words, your other half.
Tanya balik sejujurnya, do you feel complete being with him/her?
(coming from a 1st hand experience child)
*
That was why, I said no, dear Ummi.
You felt empty today.
You texted Uji, thought of visiting her and her newborn Sirhan. She was busy.
You called Kristina but no answer, as always... since 5 months she had her newborn Lev.
You wanna text Aisya but remembered she was preoccupied every weekend.
You tried to do design but boy oh boy...
*
So you decided to watch Inside Out in german. And here comes the mixed feelings.
Guess you should do this more often, Deutsche Filme anzuschauen.
Dear Huda,
27 on June was a good start. You shifted for a while in a new environment, you've seen your potential, you met good people, you found yourself back.
And then, you made progress. You knew by now what and who you're looking for, you're moving out from home, you started internship, finished it and now start tutoring german.
You start playing squasy, basketball and sign up for kickboxing to manage your depression.
You help friends who they themselves are depressed or facing jalan buntu.
You... you... you can do this, girl.
Bitch just do it :)
Kau tunjuk kat anep, all the mischief he went through each semester,
"kalau kau rasa kau ni exaggerate dengan koyak barai kau, know that you are not exaggerating. Sometimes you forget, so I'm here to remind you. Tiap sem ni, Nep. Chin up :)"
To which he replied with gratitude and thankfulness.
Makin tua, makin kecil circle. So keep the good ones, yang put effort keep in touch with ya, most importantly yang sama wavelength.
*
On a further note, bagus juga circle makin kecik, makin sikit kau jemput untuk nikah kau nanti.
Alhamdolillah Ya Aouloh.
Impian umoq 25 dulu tercapai to have wedding macam Kristina. 50 max. kau Jah
"Who wants to be the shotgun this time?" Robin, your mom's foster sister asked.
"What's a shotgun?"
"The one sitting at the front beside the driver."
"Oooo... But why is it called shotgun, anyways? Like gun?"
"Coz during the olden times, the one sitting next to the driver on the carriage would carry a gun. So in case of hazard, he'll shoot."
"Aaaa... Like the one in D'jango!"
"Exactly. So basically the shotgun is the one responsible for your safety."
*
Sekian falsafah orang yang duduk depan.
Bukan sebab nak dapat aircond atau view plg nice...
Explanation Kean Jie sangat rational tadi. He pointed out the mistake in your behaviour and attitude. He was being frank and realistic.
You went a bit calm, your sanity restored.
To which you realised, this is exactly the way Amir would explained things to you back then in Aihaus.
Missing such rational, realistic, debate-able conversation.
*
Susah betul nak dapat sembang curhat gini marcapada ni kau tahu
Not one of those fine days, almost lost your shit as you had to back up kerja group budak sial. Buat taik siak.
You went down the ground floor, terserempak dengan Kean Jie, budak Part II, a year older than you. This chinese guy maki serius macam Melayu totok. Alpha of the 5th year. So far, takda siapa berani cari pasal dengan dia.
And you, all of the sudden, tak da signal ka apa, approached him.
"Aku nak muntah doe Kean Jie. am hating every minutes dengan budak-budak ni."
"Aku nak gi beli air, lepak sana jom."
First time kau frank dengan Kean Jie. Nampak sangat kau desperate, in need of someone to talk to.
*
The bless side of being in a depressed and tensed situation is that God gives you the opportunity to open your eyes to real people with real feelings, real purpose in life and true to themselves.
Survival.
Tuhan tak jahat.
Yesterday made you realize that courage is something to be earned, not given.
Anep (same age as you) could and should have long ago quit.
*
He took law, after a year, dropped it.
Went for diploma in architecture. Worked for couple of years. Continued degree, where you were in the same studio with him.
1st semester, he was devastated, girlfriend broke up and left him.
2nd semester, his two left fingers were chopped off from an accident in our timber workshop. And he is kidal. He lost one whole year of study for recovery.
3rd semester, he was diagnosed with Hepatitis B but a rare case, was transferred to 3 different hospitals. Admitted for the whole semester.
4th semester, he had broken right leg from an accident.
5th semester, his new girlfriend is diagnoses with bone cancer stage 3.
*
I mean, like seriously...
Kepada semua kaum adam di luar sana,
It's okay to cry a river.
Let the pressure out.
You are human too.
And please, crying is never an indicator of one's weakness.
Umar Al-Khattab menangis.
And he's like some of the macho-est guys to walk on Earth.
Cry.
And I can lend you my ears :)
Ear ja la... Shoulder tak mampu, tak halal lol... Even kau lapik sweater, tak halal hahahaaa
Ok takda sapa faham inside joke tu dah sekarang :(
Lieber Allah,
der Tag heute, ist genauso wie die Tage von letztem Semester. Und davon habe ich Angst.
Du hast mich in 2 Monate von meinem Albtraum geheilt. Und nun bin ich wieder da um dieselbe Problem umzugehen.
Lass mich nicht allein, lieber Gott. Und bitte, schick mir mal endlich den Richtige, als Unterstützung und Friede.
You felt like buying flowers to Ummi for no reason whatsoever. So, you headed to the mall after your site visit.
"Ok, ni cantik sikit tapi rege dia ya ampun... Ni tak cantik, ni tak, ni not bad, ni tak cantik."
So was your thoughts lingering in your head, then suddenly came another thought ntah mana-mana
"Tak baik doe judge flower-flower ni, dia tak minta pun jadi buruk ke cantik."
Pastu rasa bersalah. Eh, babi lah...
*
There you go, ladies and gentlemen, Huda's level of overthinking and compassion.
So you bring him to the mosque for maghrib and we had dinner after that. Followed by lepak at the tasik in front of the mosque. The lake appeared pitch black and the night breeze was quite strong. Dua-dua senyap, layan masalah hidup masing-masing dalam otak.
"Kau bawak rokok kau, Nep?"
He did stop smoking for a while because of his liver complication last semester.
He nodded.
"Aku nak all-out harini." he said.
He started puffing his 3rd by then.
And you?
well, what else is there to do...
On the way driving balik rumah petang tadi sambil memaki migrain yang macam nak pecah otak, you received a text message from Anep.
"Huda... aku sedih... Aku tak tahu nak cakap dengan sapa..."
Anep tak pernah tulis benda gini. Ever. So, you being you, tak suka menaip, terus call Anep.
And all you could hear at the end of the line was your good 27-years-old-guy-friend menangis teresak-esak.
"Eh, Nep, kau dah kenapa ni?"
After a few minutes, you heard him trying to talk, his voice cracked like hell. You couldn't hear a thing. Cakap tersekat-sekat.
"Aku... Gggirlfrii... Girlfriend aku... cancer ttuuu.. cancer tulang... stage 3."
So you, without any hesitaton made a U-turn and headed to his rented apartment.
"Dah kau tunggu bawah, Nep. Lagi 15minit aku sampai."
"Ok."
"Kau sangat tak stable ni. We'll sort this out."
"Ok."
Cyclone ni lyric dia kau tak boleh nak relate sangat... maybe sebab tak faham atau tak tau konteks lagu ni digubah
TAPI
Verse 1 dia something
Here comes a story of a hurricane
And a temper lost like crying tears in rain
No love is lost or no sweet wisdom gained
So save your tears then save yourself the shame
DAN
melody, rhythm and chorus dia ni sangat-sangatlah boleh kita relate.
Chord dia ni something... First time dengar kau terus lost somewhere
*
Cyclone
You're on your own
Cyclone
You're on your own
*
Babi la... betul sangat...
That time of the month where senggugut comes back doing what it does best, hormonal imbalance and an emotional roller coaster ride.
Suddenly you wish it is snowing outside and you have a cup of hot chocolate in your hand.
*
Basically kau nak comfort... Tu je... Dok pusing snow la, hot cokelet la hmmm
"No, kau tengok dah The Nun? Best tak?"
"Tak, aku tak tengok. Tu fitnah akhir zaman."
"Hah? Sebab?"
"Bagi aku dia fitnah orang pakai tudung. Nak tunjuk islam tu salah."
"Hah? Tu Nun lah. Kau pernah tengok nun dengan paderi tak?"
"Tahu. Tapi ntah. Fitnah akhir zaman."
»muka beliau sangat serius...»
»muka kau tahan gelak...»
*
Wow... Boleh tahan budak-budak studio ni. I is amazed.
Bruno Major - Easily
Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be
Call it quits
Call it destiny
Just because it won't come easily
Doesn't mean we shouldn't try
*
what a chill laidback melody and voice.
boleh jadi anthem untuk sem ni, kita bakal grad, Huda. Damn it it won't come easily even da 7 taon fight, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try :)
*
On a further note: Ehrlich gesagt, ich vermisse deine Stimme, wenn du singst.
Damn.
Iman called you late evening today
"Uda, you have to do something with Yam."
"Kenapa, Man?"
"Dia tak bagi Ummi duit doe bulan-bulan sebenarnya. Sekali tu ja. And Ummi paid for her phone bills sebab Yam bagitau Ummi dia tak cukup duit nak bayar."
"What?? Kau gaji 4000 apanya yang tak boleh bayar phone bill? And apa masalah dia tak bagi Ummi duit bulan-bulan, ya rabbi..."
"Dia kejar nak saving kot."
"Saving pala dia kalau makan lunch pon 21 hinggit sehari. Fuck, I'm like in need of money, even that I still gave Ummi 200 when I got only 750 last month. Even the month before that. And how I fucking wish I could give her more."
"Awak bagi Abah tak?"
"Bagi. He almost cried. He said he won't take it."
"Why?"
"Coz dia sendiri berkira dengan kita, but we don't. I don't know."
"I try to remember all the good things about Abah today, just to love him more. And I feel sad, coz he is actually a good person."
"Awak rasa kenapa before-before this Uda ada special tag for Abah in my blog post and only write good stuff about him? Coz I fucking wanna deal with my depression on him. I wanna remember loving him."
*
Ni antara sebab kau benci tak grad-grad sebab kau tahu you could do so much more for the family if you are stable.
Tapi, cara nak tolong Ummi ialah dengan kita tolong diri kita dulu. At least tak jadi beban kepada Ummi. Abah has been pressuring you way too much, especially on my circumstances. That's also why I need to go.
Hang in there, Ummi.
"Be as wild as you can, as long as you can."
Candice Neistat
*
she reminds you so much of Kristina :)
nak post entry complain sebenarnya pasal harini di studio... tapi bila fikir balik...
why bother why bother why bother
harung ja lah, nak...
(awal sem boleh la nak kata gitu~)
*
on a further note, you kinda literally don't give a damn anymore to studio coz you are too bersyukur that you might inSyaAllah be able to do your 'hijrah' in two weeks time.
Semalam time packing2 barang masuk kotak terjumpa savings Vienna in EUR yang kau tak convert lagi ke MYR. You did wanna save it for extreme cases. Dan kau terlupa langsung perihal savings tersebut.
Ada hikmahnya jugak kau ni pelupa. Tak ke terkejut akak bukak tupperware dalam laci terjumpa EUR? Sujud syukur terus kita. With side money from tutoring, inSyaAllah boleh sustain ni before being employed.
InSyaAllah.
In the midst of uncertainties, migrain and complexity, let us find some positivity, shall we?
Tahun baru being 27, you achieved tremendous, dear Huda. You:
1. although almost quiting your study, even dah jumpa lecturer pun untuk quit last semester, and in the most deep shit blackhole, manage to pick yourself up and finished 2nd year.
2. although having a long love-hate-hate-depressing-mental-torture relationship with Abah, manage to get yourself together and helped him with his eyes operation (also last semester) and be there for him for his dialysis. You swallowed everything he said without exploding.
3. do not hate Abah any longer. Love him, accept him as they way he is, pray for him, and move on.
4. got Ummi's blessing on your life decision. Ummi's word yesterday "Selagi korang tak kahwin, selagi tu Abah won't leave you guys alone. So, better move out."
5. earned few small bucks within architecture field of work for the first time :) even penat nokharom but you were happy and grateful. Your boss did even mention that you'll go very far in this field with your attitude in work :)
6. finally having a vague but develope-able after-graduation future goal.
7. moving out from your house and starting to live on your own feet slowly but surely. Starting november ni inSyaAllah. Less than a month to embark on this turning point.
8. finally start tutoring german to support your shit.
9. had the courage to confesse twice in the same year to 2 different guys and got rejected and was okay with it coz you know at the end of the day, you were true to yourself and you saved yourself from many assumptions and false-hopes.
10. after quite a number of past experience jerks since in Vienna until now, realize, know and accept the fact that it's OK if you have to fight your deep shit or share your happiness ALONE. Life goes on with or without a man power/support (a. k. a. boyfriend/future husband) besides you. But you still have hope and keep on praying tho :)
11. establish a small number of trustworthy friends that you keep in your prayers and forever be grateful for esp. during your time in need.
12. finally start on kickboxing to handle your stress and depression and hopefully loose tons of kilo to get fit and your actual figure back.
13. know it's ok to cry a bucket but do pick yourself up after that.
14. did sit for MUET at last walaupun malas dia ya rabb, kalau tak hang tak grad wei...
15. finally had the guts to do your 10-years-long-overdue wish to do a helix piercing, breaking all the boundaries and rules Abah had established. Your own symbol of Progressive Independence, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically and financially.
16. met MatLuthfi in person and he did remember replying your mail after reading your blog. He remembered writing you saying that you were the female version of him (in terms of way of thinking).
17. attended Yasmin Mogahed talk and it was surreal and heart-and-brain cleansing.
18. kheir and grateful with what Allah has ordained to happen and will not question nor doubt His divine Plan.
19. have your first ever nephew, Lev and first ever niece, Sirhan :) and both are Lion! so technically they do fall under the category O Hai, ngiek shemau shemau! :)
You thought your feelings were numb but you cried and cried after you got Ummi's blessings.
Another turning point in life.
Another fight for your future.
Another blessing in disguise.
*
"Ummi, Uda tak benci Abah, and Uda tak hold any grudge towards him. Masa kat Vienna dulu ye, that's why Uda sanggup tak balik. Now, I do accept him as the way he is. But I have to move out. Uda tak boleh tahan dah dengan Abah. Ummi bless Uda, please."
"I always bless you for your betterment, Huda. I always do."
"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
(Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist)
still by far your most favourite book of his.
*
today you got an IG's direct message from a long lost friend you met in Austria.
"Nok, cemana nak belajar Jerman cara paling effektif? Aku serius ni."
"Wei nok, kau belajar Jerman dengan aku nak? Every weekend. Aku serius ni."
Suddenly when you are on another turning point in life, you forget how it felt to have a crush or fall in love with someone. You read your previous posts of the past few days and you can't remember what you felt.
You're only thoughts were how to survive for the next few years.
When you are out of your comfort zone, alone and needed to survive, your priorities shuffle up itself before your eyes.
the feeling you have right now, was the same feeling when
you were left alone on your 1st year surviving in Vienna
and when you decided
to leave the girls dormitory (your comfort zone back then) and search for single room apartment and did all the austrian government admin shit alone and found one and moved in
and when you decided to
change course from engineering to architecture and dealt with MARA and stuff
and when you decided to
finally accept the fact that you have to deal with Abah and fly back home to rescue your study and your sanity.
*
It is the same feeling. Moving out for good, inSyaAllah.
Kristina had a perfect 7 years relationship with her ex-boyfriend. But 7 years is a long time to know that you've changed so much. So much so that, althought it was perfect before, she knew she and her ex were not compatible with each other anymore. It'll destroy them had they keep on going. Her words was,
"The breakup would have been much easier if he was a jerk. But he is not."
A year later, she met her soulmate and they were married.
You met both the ex and her husband, and you knew her husband was the right one.
*
Atira almost had her wedding but she cancelled off 3 months prior, even after sending off her wedding invitation. She couldn't imagine living a lie with her perfect fiance. Her fiance was however a very good guy. It was just that she knew, they are not meant for each other. Her only regret was not being frank earlier.
*
Uji was about to marry kerabat Aceh which she has almost 2 years of relationship and it was called off. 4months later she met a guy and they are both married now with a baby.
*
Thing is, it takes a lot of gut, courage and tawakkal to walk out a relationship, be it a perfect one or a disasterous one.
The only thing you could do is to be true to yourself and act on it. By doing so, you'd have saved so many hearts in the long run.
How much longer can you lie to yourself?
"If people think your dreams are crazy... Good. Stay that way."
Colin Kaepernick
*
A pelik girl slowly venturing into her crazy self to help this crazy world becomes a better place...
It's not about how many hearts you can touch, it's about getting His blessings.
I wanna meet You one day and say, Lord, I did everything I could... to be with You.
I just wanna be happy.
it was raining heavily on your way to Aihaus. You couldn't help but to pick up the phone and dialed
"Abah, Huda on the way to office Puchong ni. Hujan lebat sangat. Abah keluar solat dah ke?"
"Tak lagi, nak keluar la ni. Kenapa moi?"
"Abah drive safely, hujan lebat. Drive elok-elok tau."
"Ok, moi. Huda pun."
You hung up and tears started rolled down your cheeks. You cried because you just realized, after what deep shits you've been through with him, you still love him so very deeply. You still do care for him.
It was just a phone call.
watched Disney's Christopher Robin alone the other day and almost wished Kristina or emmm...ok nevermind was there as well helping you to understand and elaborate further on the deep shit wisdom Pooh talked about.
It was moving, but you needed clarification.
*
Missing all the movie nights you had back then with Kristina... and her unorthodox point of views... and massaging her hand...
you kinda miss jadi kuli urut dia... "oh my, I need that super relaxing malaysian massage of yours."
Funny how you binge-listening to Casey and Candice Neistat podcast for almost 3hours now, having to realise what marriage life is all about and what deep shit they went through only to realize that hey, you don't even have a boyfriend to begin with.
It's like you are almost finish packing your stuff, all booked and checked but like, where the fuck is your travel partner?
*
And you can't lie but you really enjoyed cari barang baby untuk baby Uji the other day. And when you held Uji's baby in your arm, you know you would want one. (not that you'd want one straight away after marriage... settle down dulu...)
*
And you're like, umm...
"am I getting married anytime soon? Coz it feels like it. But like, how?
this is fucking scary."
"Perhaps, in the end, there's no such thing as creative people, there are only sharp observers with sensitive hearts."
(Yasmin Ahmad)
*
Perhaps, to contribute and to touch people's hearts, all what you've gone through is needed,
not your degree cert.
Your path might be different, because your goal was very much different from the very beginning.
So don't compare, dear Huda. You are not doing justice to yourself :)
"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that which misses me was never meant for me."
Ash-Shafie
*
O Ash-Shafie, what steady heart you have...
Kadang kau takut nak meminta, sebab kau tak pasti apa yang kau pinta (baca: doa) tu would either do any harm to your heart, or just an innocent hope.
You just don't know.
So you went speechless in front of Him.
*
They say, if God wants to give you something, He'll inspire you to pray and ask him for that very same thing.
*
I don't know.
sebenarnya lah kan...
sebenarnya
gua agak malu dan segan jugak lah nak ke kickboxing sabtu ini
sebab gue gajah.
kau boleh bayang gajah menendang cemana?
tapi kalau kau nak tunggu hilang 10kg baru nak pi kickboxing, kau tak payah nak sibuk-sibuk salahkan depression bagai bila down nanti.
maka persetankan perasaan dan overthinking mu.
iya, dilanyak ajaaa...
di bismillah -in aja, dong.
if any on my bucketlistbof people i wanna meet and be friend with, i'd be
suhaib webb
wardina safiyyah
yasmin mogahed
simon and martina
they stress upon psychological matter way too many times. not to mention how strong they are mentally yet remain soft in their hearts
and to that i give my respect.
Uji, your childhood-until-today-bitch-squad texted last 3 days, she delivered her baby girl 4 weeks early. I guess the baby can wait to meet her mum :)
Your first niece's name is Sirhan (of Uji), lioness.
Your first nephew's name is Lev (of Kristina), lion.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in fate :)
*
Emmm...
Nak baby jugak...
kick boxing contacted :)
let us fix ourselves first. our lives. our goals. our relationship with God.
let us have a simple way of living.
let us find soulmates to share our moments with.
let us fix our families (within our power)
let us find our ways.
coz after all,
let us be happy.
let us enter your Jennah.
As hard as it is to ever find a guy who understands you, so much harder it is having to understand that you have to let go of the guy himself.
it is out of my hands and power.
I leave it to You, dear Lord o ya muqallibal qulub.
You introduce him to me for whatever reason,
so I let You take him away from me for whatever reason.
It is Your devine plan after all.
Kheir inSyaAllah.
what would you feel when you happily share a portion of your allowance to your abah and he questioned your pay as it was not par to your effort?
what would you feel when all your hardwork and coping up with stress and depression to graduate was questioned by your abah after he found out that he's not impressed with your soon-to-get-fresh-grad basic salary?
what would you feel when you know all along your abah's measurement of success is by the bucks stuffed in your bank accounts and not by the happiness in the eyes of God?
what would you do when you see after all these years of us sacrificing our time effort sweat tears and sometimes blood, even after loosing his kidneys, your abah never really change?
no,
you'd do nothing.
coz this time you know
it's out of your hands.
If there's one thing I'd like to address,
I come from a broken family,
not physically,
but mentally,
and let us pray
not spiritually.
We all fight our own battle.
It felt like we are being pull and torn apart,
from every corner.
I proposed,
for a simpler living,
for us to chuck away,
everything excessive,
for us to eliminate,
everything not needed.
If only Abah would listen.
Kunto Aji ni, bahasa dan harapan dia win.
betui-betui win baq hang...
*
Kami datang dengan keyakinan besar
Kami bentuk diri diatas pengalaman
Dibawa angin yang berhembus kencang
Ini suara hati yang lantang terekam kegelisahan
Dengarlah oh dengarlah
Barisan muda bergerak menggantikan yang berserak
Dengarlah oh dengarlah
Barisan muda bergerak menggantikan yang berserak
leaving Aihaus and feel thankful and blessed.
tenang-tenang aja.
takdir itu bisa diterima dengan hati yang lapang, selapang padang bola Jalan 3, luas, seluas lautan pasifik.
let it just be of good memories. to be simpan-ed dalam bekas butter cookie bekas jahit itu. tak buka-buka sampai bila.
inSyaAllah.
It's been 2 times already in 3 days that you vomited (without force) what you ate.
It's been 4 days in a row that you are experiencing sleeping difficulties again, near subuh baru boleh tido.
*
Dear Huda,
your body is getting anxious and stressed out again. You don't wanna fall into that pit again.
Dear Allah,
I thought I could, but really I can't do this alone. I need You and Your Strength and Your Compassion and Your Mercy.
I need You.
Help.
"Tears are mercy that Allah put in the hearts of the believer."
-Yasmin Mogahed
Emotion, when suppressed, becomes toxic, which than converted to anger. What worst than anger towards Allah?
*
All prophets cried. They were all true to their emotions.
A part of me did say that I should stop posting my thoughts in blog coz slowly, I feel paranoid and self-centered.
A part of me did say I should delete all my social media accounts and disconnect coz I feel disillusional.
Truth is, I dont know.
You know you've changed so much and your priority fixed when your FIRST EVER istikharah is going to be on your recently-more-like-semalam-planned life goal.
Slowly but surely.
Boleh, Huda. Pelan-pelan kayuh.
*
Orang istikharah jodoh, hang istikharah plan hidup. Lol.
"Souls are like crowds which gather together. The ones who met before get along well. The ones who did not meet before, cannot get along very well and separate."
(Bukhari, Anbiya 2, Muslim, Birr, 159, Abu Dawud, Adab, 19)
*
That is why you met some people and immediately felt as if you knew them forever already. You just connect and able to understand each other for no good reason. Your soul agreed.
The same as why you met some people, you put effort in connecting but you knew something just didn't click. Not that the other person is bad, on the contrary, he/she/they could be the sweetest, but your soul seek elsewhere.
Senggugut is not a women's bestfriend I tell you. Dia tarik belakang kau baik punya.
was about to complain to Ummi until you heard Ummi said,
"Oh Ummi lupa nak re-stock pad, sejak Ummi dah tak period ni."
maka kau batalkan niat nak mengadu. Bersyukurlah... at least you get to period.
You starrtled coming back home late at night, stumbled upon Abah just as you reached the door.
"Abah tak tidur lagi?"
"Tak, kaki Abah cramp."
So you dropped everything to the floor and came to help Abah. He sat on the wooden chair, lifting his right leg.
You pushed and pulled his leg several times. You were scared as you see how his muscles literally contracted and released, how his vein became so tegang-ed like it was about to snapped. You realised how weak his body looked like, how dry and dead his skin was. His nails were somewhat looked very shatttered, unhealthy.
You held back your reaction, so as not to scare him. You kept on messaging and pressing his leg inwards and outwards.
"Tiap malam ke, Bah?"
"Haah. Almost."
"Maybe kita boleh try rendam dengan air panas kot, Bah."
"Abah dah try semua. Tak jadi. It's okay. Terima je."
You looked at Abah. He smiled tiredly holding back his pain, while you holding back your tears.
"Huda, baby baru kat bawah tu nama dia, Jid."
"Ada baby baru, Bah? Tape nama ye Jid? "
"Sebab Abah jumpa dia kat masjid. Abah habis subuh tengok dia ada lagi, so Abah bawak dia balik. Abah kata 'come, jom balik rumah.' "
"Alaaa..."
*
Abah's soft spot will remain forever. May Allah bless you, Abah.
1. TUTOR JERMAN: [Financial Support and Language Proficiency]
- for kumpul duit as well as getting ready for life goal.
2. KICK BOXING: [Mental and Physical Health]
-for a healthy life style, depression and stress management, getting back your long lost body figure
3. VIDEO EDITING TUTORIAL, WEBSITE SET UP FOR JOURNALISM, POETRY AND PHOTOGRAPHY: [Critical and Crucial Soft Skill]
- ni memang slow-slow baby steps ke arah life goal.
4. FUNDAMENTALS IN ARCHI: [Finding Personal Principle]
- ni basically how to navigate your goal. What you actually want to contribute. First kena kenal diri la kot ni.
5. JUZ 'AMMA AND VOLUNTERISM: [Spiritual Being and Faith]
- to finally get it all memorized and get your prayer sorted, to instill thankful and kheir by volunteering and engaging with nature. Hike Baby hike!
There are places where you know you could only live once and you swear not to re-live it, coz you know the second time will not be same. In fact, it will be the exact opposite. You will grow to hate it.
So you know your time is up, and you let it just be of a good memory.
That is the case of Aihaus.
guess, the thing you missed most living alone in your mini 21m^2 single room apartment is that you have your own small little kitchen where wonders of food paradies pops out of it.
And your own little DRY toilet and shower.
And your own window where dozens of candles lighted up your nights.
Kristina loved your small sanctuary. She said it was the coziest.
slow-slow kita shift ke lubuk IG private kita balik.
introvert loading 67%
too much vulnerability in the public world.
nasib budaya baca blog ni dah berkurun lama ditinggalkan umat manusia.
So you can archive your life here peacefully.
Mana tau satu hari nanti, jadi producer film, content kita pakat cedok ja dalam blog ni. Story hang pun boleh tahan rare gak.
Unless Mr Google decide nak shut down blogspot for good haaa time tu hang kabut.
On a further note, in case you finally find your Hang Jebat, you just pass him your blog link ja la kot senang. Pandailah hang khatam kisah silam Tun Teja hang.
*
Jebat, sebab dia rational, guna otak.
Bukan Tuah, hebat tapi a blind follower.
Until when he realized it was too late, he uttered a very significant line,
"Buat baik berpada-pada,
buat jahat jangan sekali."
*
Berpada-pada,
else you get pijak-ed.
I think, I'm ready to take the next step of the new chapter.
I'll approach Neollene for advice on this.
Boyfriend or no boyfriend, soulmate or no soulmate, the next chapter has to go on. If it was meant for you to fight alone, then so be it. Kheir.
Life goal needed fixing already.
Kheir. InSyaAllah.
There was the time when Kristina almost killed herself, and you help her all the way through her massive life crisis, though you yourself was fighting hard with your own depression.
She came to your apartment all the way from northern Germany, and together you helped her in planning strategies for her escape route. Macam cite FBI wa cakap lu.
We listened to her recorded conversation with her senior boss, the threat, and analysed it all.
Long story short, she managed to pull off the strategy we planned.
*
Buatkan kau fikir, even dalam keadaan serba nak mati kau tahan depression kau, kau masih boleh defend orang yang kau sayang. Till your last energy.
Well, how unselfish you can be to your loved ones, right? :)
Keep up, Huda.
Dekat seminggu dua ni dok rindu Japan lain macam. Kyoto and the shrine especially.
Paihtu Neollene pulak dok ada kat Kyoto.
Hmmm....
Why ah?
It was a lazy night, so there goes the two of you laziying on the couch of the Gemeinschaftsraum watching an animal documentary.
A flock of penguin enjoying their lives when suddenly in came a group of seals attacking them for food.
Most escaped except for one penguin. Death was on its way
"Go penguin gooooo!!! You can do it!! Goooooo!!! Run run!!!"
"Shut up, Huda. It's going to die. It had no chance anymore."
"No. Gooo penguin gooo!!"
"Fuck, shut up! It will die"
The penguin was struggling to escape. It was already between the seals teeth.
"Penguin you can do it! Fight fight!"
"Fuck don't you see, the seal had it already."
And out of much struggle, the penguin escaped.
"Oh my God, I don't believe it."
"See Kristina, that is the definition of faith. Until you are dead, you fight."
Mein "Intuition" sagte,
ich soll weiter gehen und meine scheiße sortieren.
ich glaube, mehr oder weniger weiß ich schon, wo ich stehe und wo genau ich hingehen soll.
Nur, ob ich die Mut habe.
"Why do you keep on stumbling upon these kind of guys?"
"I don't know. And I really don't want it. It's frustrating and tiring you know."
"Yeah, since the day I know you in Vienna."
"Right... It scares the shit out of me. Maybe something in me is wrong? Maybe I need to fix myself? I dunno. And I'm honestly tired."
"Or maybe because you're still fighting with your father?"
"I thought that too, but we resolved that this year already. So I guess, it's just me who needed fixing, maybe."
*
Sebulan lost contact, and today at last you get to get your real shits out. Kenapaaa kau jauh sangat, Kristina...
You know you're super comfy with 27 when you enjoying listening to podcast of your choices over mainstream songs or radio.
1. Caisey Neistat and Candice
2. Simon and Martina
3. Buah Mulut (Takahara Suiko and Anwar Hadi)
good listening :)
"How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
"How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!"
*
Not all that appeared beautiful from the outside are safe to be ventured on the inside.
'PULANG' was nicely written. For a Malay film, the cinematography was a huge mile stone though few of its CGI Effects still need improvement.
But to know that it was of a true events, lived truly by someone, was heartbroken-ing.
How strong was that family. The kind of test God put them through.
That feeling, of missing someone, when he/she is right there in front of you and you can do nothing about it.
Rindu ni ada sejenis bau.
"And he found you lost and guided you."
[93:7]
*
Dah lama sangat rasa lost. It feels relief to finally be able to see a glimpse of the track.
Kabus lagi la tapi.
But, hey. Kheir :)
The first time you set foot in Aihaus for internship, you thought you'd be the coldest intern ever and not make any significant memories there.
You thought you'd be living a monotone phase, exactly what you wished for after an exhausting sem 4.
Little did you know that, it was 180° turn over to your expectation and a reflection of your innerself.
Vielen Dank, lieber Gott.
Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.
Kheir.
Kheir inSyaAllah.
*
tak tau brapa kali lagi ni nak kheir sampai puas kata kheir.
Kheeeeeir Alhamdulillah.
Kheir.
Maybe, just maybe,
the only reason God throws you in this field (archi) was for you to find yourself back.
What your heart yearns most.
What your eyes seeks.
What your intuition understands.
Because architecture and design is subjective, prones to human's favour.
And maybe, just maybe, the only thing your heart yearns was something sharp yet meaningful.
A simple life.
Of one purpose only.
God.
There were times when you completely lost yourself, so you watched videos of the reverts.
The analogy they described the moment they uttered the syahadah as a relief. A letting go of all the burden in the world. Because at last, you had someone to hang on to.
They said it felt like a cold tap water was opened and in goes the cold water running through inside the head flushing everything you had in mind.
*
It's time to back reflect back your 'kheir' on your deen, liebe Hudochka.
Too tired to write,
but still have to.
Your last-3-month prayer to get spiritually healed while going through internship is answered bit by bit already.
guess at 27, you still haven't grab enough that concept of Shoukr.
To be contented and grateful for what's given and to strive to contribute with what's given.
rasa macam nak freehair esok pi ofis.
so as just to expose yourself to the world and scream, what else do you want, Dunya?! It seems like you want to suck every pieces of me, it seems like you are aftering my soul!
Here, let me expose my physical so you'd be happy, and just leave me alone!
*
Maybe you should just scream out for a basketball troops to release all these tension in you.
Or swim?
God help.
Depression creeps in this time ever so slowly.
Again, another strange dream.
You decided not to go to work and lock yourself in your dark room. You don't wanna face the world.
Then you saw a glimpse of your piercing. A reminder that you promise to fight this time.
*
27 and still fighting alone... how tiring can that be?
At times you feel unfair, of those around you, also fighting their battle, but they are a team of 2, having each other for support and love. That makes any battle worth fighting.
How lucky are they.
Maybe the 1st step has to come from you, so, yesterday night, you tried to break the wall.
"Ummi, boyeh tak tolong uda sapukan ni kan telinga?"
"What's this?"
"Satu sea salt water to sterile kan kawasan piercing. Sebab piercing ni fresh lagi. The other one tu to prevent any infection from happening."
And you looked at her facial expression.
"And you thought you had a daughter, right?" you continued.
She smiled malu-ly, she just realised anak dia boleh baca dia.
Just as she wiped the salt water on to the piercing area, you went,
"Cantik tak?"
"Boleh lah."
*
One wall broken down. Syukur.
Nyanpi, Me-chan, Moe-chan, Me-chan no okasan, (gila hang boleh ingat lagi nama depa ni) were on bicycles, paddling fast. You followed behind clueless to where we were heading to.
It was a beautiful autumn.
Passed the concrete structures you slowly entered the realm quiet entrance of the shrine. The path was defined by the arrangement of huge trees bearing their red autumn leaves.
A sudden serenity entered your soul.
It is true what they said, eyes are the door to one's soul.
We climbed the stairs that led us to a big bell hung up the shrine ceiling. They held the huge rope, asking you to join in.
Together we rang the bell. And you watched them prayed. Okasan whispered to you in japanese,
"I pray you get the best husband."
the 12-years-old you looked at her perplexed. She winked and smiled softly.
*
Balik tu bagitau Ummi pi sembahyang kat tepekong jepun. Dan dan tang tu gak dia suruh mengucap balik depan dia.
Leaving the 12-year-old Huda terdetik soalan dalam otak, sudah murtad kah aku? lol
"Huda, why don't you have a boyfriend?"
Seriously, if I knew the answer, I might have a boyfriend now. At least, I'd know what went wrong or what to fix...
"Ntah la, Nini. Tak jumpa yang compatible kot. I'm not easily understood, I guess. I don't wanna survive in a relationship. I want because of the relationship, we survived and achieved many things."
"Do you want a relationship like your parents'?"
"No."
And she started to open up. Turned out we are not much of a difference.
There are reasons why we cross-path, dear Nini.
"Huda, sorry... but we were both fucked up."
"Haah. Tahu. Aku tak marah kau. But I don't wanna push it. Sebab tu aku decide biar Allah yang susun. I did my part already."
"So, now?"
"Now dah cross path dengan kau balik, dah peluk kau meroyan tengah-tengah mall memang tak la nak lepaskan kau."
"Haha bodoh. I need you, Huda."
"I know. Satu soalan, am I acting my age now?"
"Ja, schon :) Auf jeden Fall."
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest soul, for a great persona are seared with scars."
-Khalil Gibran-
*
Have always loved Gibran's quote but never knew he was the sifu of Rumi until told by Amir last month.
'seared with scars.'
seared ni translation dia nice kalau hg kata kena 'sira' la kot. Macam keropok ikan sira gula cili tu. Tapi instead, kena sira dengan scars.
Gitu.
God trains you to be strong, to be a fighter for a reason.
His Plan is bigger than your thoughts all combined.
Keep calm.
"Huda... are you lonely?"
And you just smiled.
Nini was a sweetheart. She reads you too well.
*
The thing is, being a non-default is not easy.
When we were small,
dancing in the rain was magical,
figuring out the formation of cloud was like bringing you to the other world,
digging sand and dirt was an adventure.
When we were small,
we were happy,
'cause we appreciated the little things.
At 27 you learn not to chase,
but to slow down on your pace,
to listen, to hear
to watch, to see
to smell, to touch
so to comprehend what went away and what is waiting ahead
but most importantly
what lies in the present.
They say Patience is Faith.
If your soulmate would ever appear, the only thing you'd wanna do is to bury yourself in his arm and cry ever so silently of relief, comfort and security.
What took you so long?
*
*
*
*
And if you are no Malay, it better be because you were sibuk learning BM or belajar makan pekasam.
Like seriously.
"Aku tengok kau nampak happy je kat A+I."
*
It's not that A+I is awesome or a happy place (on the contrary, exhausted kot)
it's just that you are so thankful it is not a universoty, not the immatured toxic studio collegues, not the way-too-young sluts walking your way, not the beauracratic nor political system of the university.
Because for once since long you can remember, you are in real world, with people of your age.
Because for once since a very long time, you felt right.
For having to go through hell, trials and tribulations, alhamdulillah, thuma alhamdulillah
*
"Sometimes the people with the worst past create the best future."
(Umar Ibn Al Khattab)
Women (bitches) know exactly how to play helpless and let the men feel they are their heroes and saviour of any tangled situation.
They manipulate the feelings of men. They made men feel superior.
Men thought it's a win-win situation, when in fact, the women (bitches) got what they want and left the men in his illusion of his superman world.
*
Sincere women are different, I tell you. Very different.
*
You know, coz you were once a bitch. La taubat dah lah. luls
Everyday you get a fresh 86,400 seconds of blessing given by Lord.
Everyday decisions were made on how to invest that 86,400 seconds wisely.
Everyday you lived the consequences of the way you used that 85,400 seconds.
Start. Play. Die. Repeat.
"Sumimasen. Kyo wa IC-kurasu ga/wa (x igt grammar) arimasen."
"Jya, ima nanni o suru?"
"Hon o yomu."
and as you walked back to your seat from the front door, you heard some of the students whispered
"sugge (sugoi)"
It was a simple conversation with Waki Sensei, but you knew it meant a lot. Because at last, you were able to reply like any normal 12-year-old kid would. Fluent.
*
La hilang habih da la... jenuh la nak asah balik jepun ni atoi.
You don't simply amik gambar, touch or worst cium mana-mana budak comel you encounter in public.
Have some respect to the parents for goodness sake.
I, too, love budak. But I'd never let some strangers hug kiss snap pic of my kids.
It's just plain wrong.
There are people you crossed path in life. They come, they go. Once and for all.
For a reason.
But there are also people you meet in loop.
They come, they go, they come back.
These people are small in numbers.
They have special place in your heart and in your prayers.
Today at The Billboard,
"You check your Darren's phone, Sya?"
"Hell no! Are you kidding me? I phone dia rings pun I segan nak tengok screen kot."
*
Dah, gua angkat tangan, beb. From now on, bench mark girls gua are those who leave their men's phone untouched.
Simple thing, huge impact.
Meine liebe Kristinochka,
funny how hard it is to find support system here in your own motherland.
I miss crying in your arms and you stroking my hair while whispering "It's okay. You did well."
Japan is the most beautiful during the spring in April. When the sakura blooms its white pinkish petals having an intense contrast to it's heavy dark brown trunk.
They say, the depressed Japs would tonggak arak under the sakura trees until mabuk teruk and be happy cause they thought they were in paradies already.
*
Manusia sangat mahir menipu diri sendiri.
Ruginya.
"Hey, Kristina... do you ever check Stephan's handphone?"
"No. I think that's wrong. Why should I?"
"Just what my thought said :) That's why we clicked, Kristinochka."
*
Is it a Malay thing to be checking your man's woman's phone? Ainur does that, Amir's gf does that, others do that as well.
If you can't trust your man to handle small irrelevant stuff or him distinguishing friends, foes and bitches, how do you expect to trust him in handling bigger stuff?
The lives of you both and your children.
Why love someone you're afraid isn't able to handle his own personal affairs? Where's the security in that?
You always rushed with your kanji tutorial and showed it to Kinoshita Sensei only to be adviced to slow down and take time to understand what you wrote.
Truth is, you wanted to be as par with the others in your class. So you can be as Japs as they can be.
Truth is, you just want to feel belonged.
*
maka dari kecil lagi kau bukanlah seorang yang penyabar. luls.
You remember our apartment number, 509, in Shugakuin and the tatami room.
That was the 1st time you encountered good numbers.
*
Ok nak muntah. Tak boleh brain ingat benda ni. Kau kecik kot masa ni.
DEMACHI YANAGI STATION
You used to be 12 and naik train sorang-sorang dengan Iman (10), for basketball tournament.
*
Ah sudah... Flashback... Penat jadi Huda ni, dia ingat memories, emotion and smell.
God I even remember the station name and the smell of the school there? Creepy siot...
Iman suggested about a month ago, that we 3 sisters should start kumpul duit for a year till she graduates,
and we 3 would embark on a journey to Kyoto, Japan to trace back our childhood memory.
Especially our Shugakuin Shogakko.
*
maybe you should start cari balik Waki Sensei. 15 years ago man... flashback
Indoor basketball court detected!
Now, if I can only find mates (min. 6 sbb blh main 3 on 3), that'll be great.
Dengan kuasa sakti suria kaprikon, MENJELMALAH!
05/08/2018 (today) two Standard Piercing done
18/08/2018 at 3.30/15:30 (next Saturday) one Helix Piercing appointment done
*
Don't you just love that number arrangement :) Have always believe in numbers since the 1-year stay in Kyoto, Japan in 2003.
Doumo arigatou ne, Nihon. (rindu all those hiragana, katagana and kanji... kanji the most... and the shrine)
Here's to a symbolic beginning.
In the end,
all you want is to be happy (in God's definition), and content and closer to God.
Tak kisah contribution sekecil mana, asal semampu kapasiti diri.
You might not change anything. But you did all you can.
Tak pernah lagi seumur hidup aku, takda misunderstanding miscommunication dalam whatsapp regarding deep conversation.
Gila kau ni, Amir.
May God bless you and your girlfriend/future soulmate.
*
Sujud syukur. Few hal settled. Here's to another-loncatan Huda. Esok kasi 3 ear piercings :)
3 is always a good number.
Abah requested for teh susu. You came with one, then Ummi went like
"mana awak dapat susu?"
Yam tahan gelak already. Koajaaaaq.
"From Yam obviously."
*
Tell me, how to get suci brain when you family is like this lol.
Malaysia Baharu ni lebih kurang malaysia lama je...
where got perubahan?
Ink kat kuku pun makin hilang, sehilang harapan pada bangsa sendiri untuk bangkit berubah.
Walaupun kita takda komitmen boyfriend lagi, dan berkemungkinan besar tak kawen pun lepas grad (sebab salah tafsir org yang kita target tu) dan kita pun tak pasti hala tuju archi ke dak lepas grad ni TAPI
saving dah kena start balik wei. Umoq nak 30 da ni.
Duit saving Vienna dah makin tipis. Pedih gua tengok, bhai.
Maka, jom start usha jerman tutoring slots.
Ni dah alang-alang nak remake diri sendiri ni, marilah kita buat 1st goal long overdue kita esok.
To pierce your ears.
Mam besaq bagi greenlight pierce upper ears 😎
Habis Aqiqah Yad, Kak Huda and Abg Pit. We Penangites ni memang hingaq, cakap macam ada speaker sebelah. patut la hang super extrovert dulu.
(Patutlah Allah bagi hang Vienna untuk tone down hang balik)
If arwah Tok Wan, Tok Ah, Mak Chaq and Pak Ngah were here, I wonder how much further hingaq we could get :)
Hang masuk Run 5km. Attire hang tak berapa nak prepare, End up jari kaki hang melecet teruk dan tinggalkan luka yang sangat buruk.
Kesan luka tu makin hari makin hitam. Geram. Hang janji dengan diri tak mau Run dah sebab jari kaki dah tak cantik.
Harini genap sebulan Run. Hang terpandang jari kaki hari tu. Geram, hang capai gunting, nak buang kesan hitam luka tu.
Tak payah gunting, scratch terus tercabut. Terserlah kulit baru di bawah tu. Untouched. Baru.
*
Benda baru nak datang, dia akan kena buang yang lama dulu, Huda. Law of physics states that two matter can't occupy one space at the same time.
Nak Huda yang kuat long-term, kena buang Huda yang kuat short-term :)
Nak buang benda lama. Sebab tu sakit.
Scrolling down all your posts since early this year. Eyy, enough weeping, girl.
Head's up. Chin up.
Senyum :)
Ujian aku ialah,
bersangka baik pada Tuhan.
Ujian aku ialah,
beriman dengan sebenar-benar Iman.
Bahwa Dia maha mendengar,
sebesar mana suara mulutmu,
sekecil mana suara qalbumu.
*
We plan,
Allah plan,
and He is the best Planner.
Kheir. 'Ala kulli hal. Kheir.
Kheir, ya Rabb.
All these crying is exhausting for this week. Sama macam bulan Jun hrtu, and the few final months in Vienna.
No, this is not cry. This is weep.
Your divine plan, dear Lord, is too much to handle for such a fragile soul. Way too much.
Kau kuatkanlah. Kheir.
1) Guy 1: You used to wait for confession. And it ended up dreadful. The guy waited too long for you to open up.
2) Guy 2: Another time came, so you promise yourself, " this time I'll do it my way. I decide. " So you confessed. Turned out you were his transition. He was waiting for his ex to come back.
3) Guy 3: This time around, last Friday, you were so close to confess, but you held yourself, because you didn't know what was right. You went through both ways before.
This one is different, so you were afraid of the outcome. This one is supportive and kind ( and a jerk at the same time), but you feel the calmness. This guy, you don't have to explain your complicated way of thoughts, he understands altogether.
Turned out he has a girlfriend and he met her parents alright.
Today you cried in front of him (and a girl), because you can't contain no more.
It is an accumulation of frustration of study, relationship, friendship, financial constrain, family and the tangled timeline.
Came back home today to find out that little Coco died today. Kena langgar kereta.
Baru bagitau Ainur nak bawa Coco ke klinik petang tadi.
Baru tahu harini, your all time fav song since zaman sekolah was actually written by M. Nasir.
Way too many hopes in one song
Dok main lagu ni tak habis ulang di Vienna dulu, cari wahyu kau tahuu...
*
Kembara di Tanah Gersang - Al Jawaher
Kembara berjalan bersendirian,
Mencari jalan pulang,
Bilakah masanya embunkan menjelma,
Di tanah gersang yang membakar.
Alangkah pedihnya nasib kembara,
Ditengah khatulistiwa,
Tak siapa yang dapat menghilangkan dahaga,
Namun tetap ia bertahan.
Kami semua senasib denganmu,
Wahai kembara di tanah gersang,
Mencari kebahgiaan dalam hidup,
Menempuh berbagai rintangan yang ada,
Namun bahgia masih impian.
Kau masih berjalan di bawah sinar,
Bulan bintang yang membimbingmu,
Suatu hari kau kan bertemu,
Sungai mengir di taman indah,
Nanti di suatu masa.
"I beg you God."
*
beg ni hina
kau merayu.
that's why you have the word 'begger'.
peminta sedekah.
because you have to be at your lowest level to beg.
your worth become nothing in front of Him.
*
So, dear God,
I beg You.
Help.
Dear Huda,
your eye lid starts to twitch since yesterday. Today, more intense.
guess, your body knows the final year is approaching soon.
7 years of journey. Permudahkanlah, ya Rabb.
Can I not do this alone, dear God? Can You please send me somebody to hold my hand to get through this?
I beg.
"Huda, jom Sabtu. On tak on?"
"Onnnn la babi oonn!"
*
Am sooo over this post-depression effect. Shade this extra 25kg off.
25 gila.
2
5
*
Fuck.
Movie semalam dia shoot kat Kashmir nak menangis tengok (nangis lagi... eh babilah tisu sangat ni...).
Sebab kau ingat Abah,
of his promise masa dia muda dan kuat dan berduit dulu.
beriya nak bawak kami pi Kashmir.
*
"Ainur, cancel lah Cameron, kita Kashmir la weih."
"Gituuu~"
eh banyak sangat kau nangis ni jah dalam sehari. Tak yah nak drama melayu sangat boleh?
kot kalau nangis ni dapat kembalikan body figure and weight before depression dulu ok gak.
Tak, kan?
Hah moh le basket.
p/s: pinky da mati.... nangis lagi....
I cried,
I cried real hard this time,
for in the midst of human traffic
I saw you Leah,
for you knew how much I've changed since we were in Germany,
for how you've changed as well,
for how we big our disagrement was,
for how harsh it ended up.
So, I cried even more,
when you decided to hug me tight,
in the middle of the ocean of people,
and you said your apology and I said mine.
Allah lindungi kamu, Leah.
I cried,
of happy tears,
for receiving that allowance from this shitty architecture world,
for surviving this far,
for deciding not to quit.
so there goes
1/3 for Ummi,
1/3 for Abah,
1/3 for the sane self.
00:30 masih dengan 3D
Stromae - Alor Danse
how true is his portrayal of mainstream life
dr ptg td dok buat pintu partition cabinet masjid ni, segala material, lighting, dah nak siap dah... elok start maghreb dia crash.... save pun x blh retrieve..
buat balik half way
crash
buat balik
crash
buat balik
crash
disusuli msg bertalu-talu dr QS AS2 minta explain drawings...
buat balik
crash
.
nampak mcm sng... tp bila budak noob buat effort dia 2 kali ganda hoi... haaa nangis la camni...
jom lah bersabar
You know you barai teruk when you celik mata dah pukul 3.30ptg and you thought you already too late for work.
Ahad, mek.
Ada lagi dua partition nak kena settle...
I just don't know how Amir can be so penyabar, dengan sakit lagi. My respect goes to you.
Pagi semalam nangis dek runsing
Malam semalam nangis dek tenang
يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ
A sober friday morning... Pagi-pagi pun dah nangis... parah ni...
1st day period kot. Luckily we girls have period and hormones to blame.
till then, marilah kita sort out life goal kita ni, ya Rabbi... pecah pala pikiaq hala tuju hidup.
*kesat ayaq mata, sambung driving*
this world is full of pain, I tell you.
Therefore,
Dear God,
I beg you, like I beg you everyday, send me him, the one who will support me and I will support him. The one who can help me and I can help him. The one who understands me and I understand him. The one who will bring me closer to You and I will be bring him closer to You.
This is the same exact prayer I utter when I asked for a 'Kristina. ', now I ask again, I beg again, but for a soulmate.
I'm in a crucial point in my life, dear God. Where things need to be sorted out and will be sorted out soon enough. So the only card exists is the 'EITHER-OR' card.
Dear God,
Today I cried for three reason
1. Because penat kat tempat kerja and tahu condition dekat rumah macam mana. I just can't juggle anymore.
2. Scared of my upcoming final year and still sangat lembap buat CAD and 3D.
3. To know the answer to my everyday-sebulan prayer was a NO all along. Bukan dia rupanya.
Why again God? I'm not sure what kind of lesson you are trying to teach me this time, but bersangka baik to Your devine plan is really challenging, I tell You. But I will keep on praying. Coz I have nothing but You to hold on to.
didn't realize how much i really liked you until you mentioned your girlfriend.
damn. aku suka kau betul rupanya.
so, khalas dah. boleh tutup buku dan report ke kristina...
*
kalau buat kisah chenta hidup si huda ni best seller 7 keturunan, sebab sampai keturunan ke-7 pun orang tak boleh-boleh nak brain lagi tahap looser dia.
Noch nie habe ich so getan,
dass ich jeden Tag bete,
damit alles zwischen uns erleichtern wird,
dass es klar ist,
was zwischen uns steht.
Weil ich es langsam merke,
wie ähnlich wir beide sind.
Lustig,
wie wohl ich mich fühle, wenn ich bei dir bin.
als wäre, alles ist gekümmert.
May Allah ease. Amen
Welcome back as the son of the family, Huda. You did well tonight :)
beiß weiter durch. das schaffst du schon.
"Menangislah dan terus tertawa,
walau dunya tak seindah surga."
(Nidji, Laskar Pelangi)
*
God bless the indonesians, its language and culture.
Hudaaa
Kau boleh, Huda.
You used to be able to lanyak MATURA, even Austrians pun fail kot Matura. You used to be able to pass Latin in 2 years. You used to be able to pi skolah pagi macam biasa and malam for extra german class, so you could catch up with the Austrians.
You used to be a basketball player and fought in many tournaments at 12. You used to be able cari apartment all by yourself and did all the admin works in german. You used to do all the banking works in german.
You were able to convince MARA to extend your loan when you changed from engineering to architecture when clearly it langgar kontrak. You translated 37 pages of german university syllabus to english.
You lived alone for 6 years in Austria with no Malaysian bachelor students of your age. You made friends with the other foreigners. You used to tahan being laughed and mocked at. You were able to change the perception of one super racist proffessor to at last liking and cheering up for you when you passed the german C1 certificate.
You used to be able to make good photos and interesting shots.
You used to be admired by the gangsters of your school for God knows whatever reason.
You used to babysit at night and attend classes in the morning.
You helped Kristina with the Takao-crisis that broke in the United Nation and almost made her kill herself.
*
dan ya, kau gagal banyak gila babi. Failure after failure yang sumpah tak boleh brain.
But your family can't afford you to be a lunatic, ok?
Stop being selfish, Huda. Help yourself out so you can help others.
Today is the 1st time for us to experience Abah arriving KLIA on a wheelchair all shivered. Abah no longer fit for travelling.
Drove Abah to hospital for his dialysis and noticed his breathing difficulty.
The fact that, Ummi and Abah need all help they could get from their children and you are still stuck trying to figure out your life, is absurd.
Tunggu sikit lagi, please. Your first child will graduate soon enough and start having a good job and be financially independant and be able to help you out like a proper adult would.
And maybe, just maybe you'll feel quite a relief, sorang lagi anak dah settle.
*
*telan pain killer and coffax*
Once Yam got free condom at school that she thought was a balloon.
Lalu budak innocent itu bukak packaging dalam kelas dengan nawaitu suci nak tiup belon tersebut.
Honey, performing "blowjob" aint public you know. 😂
That very strong urge to pierce your nose and ears.
Impian hidup umoq 18 dulu masih tak tercapai. Kesian...
Bosya is the guardian of the house. He fights real hard. All scratches and all on face and body. He fought all the other jantan (cats) who tried to mark their territory and widen their empire. Gitu.
Bosya is tough and muscular. Tapi bila hang balik rumah, dia terus cayaq jadi baby dok minta hang main-main perut dia. Bosya has always been your ultimate cat-boyfriend (boleh?)
Until today, when you saw him, in front of you, tanpa malu trying to fuck Olaf. Basically, you saw your boyfriend fuck someone lah.
And you thought, demyu life.
"Iman habis medik ni, Iman nak donate kidney dekat Abah."
"Uda tak terfikir pun nak donate kidney Uda kat Abah, Man. Maybe I too should start considering that."
"Yeah, man. What have we ever done/sacrifice for Abah's long term health pun? Moral support and being there for each operarion is nothing. That's not sacrifice, tu kewajipan."
*
Abah was not the greatest husband. He failed many times. Being the 1st child, you witnessed everything. You questioned his logic. You even wish they (Ummi and Abah) would seperate.
But Abah was the loveliest father. He was the best Abah we could ever ask for. He spoiled his girls with love. He was our first boyfriend.
They say, you'll never forget your first love. It is true in our case. And it is unconditional.
You got into a fight with Yam yesterday. You were tired of how she prioritise her social friends and boyfriend more than the family. With Abah sakit and all.
And then she pointed out your flaws.
And you went speechless.
"Don't assume the world evolves around you only, Huda."
As much as you hating it, there are some truth in what she said.
Tying out clothes alone and swearing to God we 3 sisters look so much better and way cantek without scarves.
This is for you, God. Our physical menifestion of submitting to You. am sooo not going through this hassle of scarves if it weren't for You. Ain't no men gonna change that.
Dear Huda,
a big Yeay! dah fit Uniqlo's in-store size!!
Fuck you, Depression. I'm sooo getting my pre-depression body figure back 💪
Pelan-pelan kayuh. Grad nanti kita kebarung songket ye. Kelas mak. *flip hair... hair la sebab dalam fitting room*
"I vomited yesterday at night on the street."
"Really... Oh my God the people must be staring at you. What did you do then?"
"I rubbed my belly afterwards. So people thought I'm pregnant."
"Good one."
*
Good thing about being women is that we can always play dumb dummy dumbo OR pregnant.
Always worked.
There was one time when Kristina owe the bank €3500 (ca. RM 17 500) and I way minus in my bank account, duit tak masuk sebab change course.
We both ate lunch at a jewish restaurant. We were laughing at first. And then slowly the reality kicked in, and we started to cry. Like two broken couple.
Good thing we're women though. We could always pretend it was the hormones.
