Don't feel comfortable about writing in this blog any longer.

A weird feeling. Like it'll go up no good anymore.

I guess, that's it then.

Thank you, dear blog. For serving me for a great number of years, since Vienna.

I'll never stop writing, tho :)

Salam.

A good one hour squasy with Ummi.

The Gilmore Girls scenario is getting real, I sensed.

After how many fucking weeks, you were at last able to reach Kristina, and you talked to her for hours, macam baru jumpa balik boyfriend

"And then he say, I'll go very far..."

"Ya, you told me that already."

"Fuck, why don't you stop me then, Kristinochka?"

"Because I love to hear the story again."

"Oh my God... you are so cute... I love you... oh my God..."

"Now don't cry."

*

And bitch, did you just cry on the phone... I miss you, Kristinochka... I miss you so much.

*

Sometimes, home is not a place, it's a person.

Big big girl
In a big big world.

.
.
.

Well at least not a
Barbie girl
In a barbie world

.
.
.

Count your blessings, bitch.

Ummi thinks I was being too picky,
Dah ada yang berkenan kat hang, tinggai nak mai minang ja,
Hang takmau.
Pasaipa?

*

He's character might not suit.

*

Takpa, tu slowly boleh develope...

*

That's the core problem, dear Ummi.

I do not wanna walk in a relationship expecting the other person to change. For better or worse. In fact, I marry someone for the sake of him being himself. If I can accept him as the way he is, that's enough already. Why change someone for your own benefit? That's selfish.

It is not my job to take care of him, to teach him what to believe, to show him how to think. It goes both ways, vice versa. It is unfair for me and for him.

The problem of you and Abah was that when you were both married, you both had the idea that

"oh... I taught her enough already, she understands the life now. She understands God. I shall tell het how to dress up like a proper woman, think like a true servant of God."

"He will change for the better. When he has child, he will be more responsible. He still has good character in him."

*

Many partners in relationship try to change theirselves so as to suit to their counter partners. The force themselves to believe in what their partners believe. Truth is, they don't know. They haven't found themselves yet. But they are much more afraid to loose their partner.

So they live a beautiful lie. Until one day, when they can't lie to themselves no more, they freak out. There comes in the trust issue. Jealousy kicks in.

Thing is, when you are being pretencious, you can never raise a loving family. Because children, they are pure. They can sense fakeness. Even if it comes from their own parents. And that, effect their mental well being.

You guys might at last at par to each other but that'll take what...30 years. If you wanna waste your 30 years figuring out your marriage, be my guest.
I know I don't wanna waste 30 years fighting, pendam rasa with my counter partner.

I wanna be his best friend. To achieve wonders with him. I wanna solve real external problem and challanges with him. Not some shitty internal relationship problem. That's not my fight.

So kalau hang rasa nak kahwin semata sebab hang berjaya membentuk pemikiran, attitude, etc boyfriend/girlfriend ikut acuan hang, better hang pikiaq balik, is it fair for him/her?

Sampai bila hang nak payung orang? Time hang koyak barai nanti, you will be needing someone like you to lift you up again. In other words, your other half.

Tanya balik sejujurnya, do you feel complete being with him/her?

(coming from a 1st hand experience child)

*

That was why, I said no, dear Ummi.

In generosity and helping others be like a river.

In compassion and grace be like the sun.

In concealing others' faults be like the night.

In anger and fury be like the dead.

In modesty and humility be like the earth.

In tolerance be like a sea.

Either exist as you are or be as you look.

(Rumi)

You felt empty today.

You texted Uji, thought of visiting her and her newborn Sirhan. She was busy.

You called Kristina but no answer, as always... since 5 months she had her newborn Lev.

You wanna text Aisya but remembered she was preoccupied every weekend.

You tried to do design but boy oh boy...

*

So you decided to watch Inside Out in german. And here comes the mixed feelings.

Guess you should do this more often, Deutsche Filme anzuschauen.

Dear Huda,

27 on June was a good start. You shifted for a while in a new environment, you've seen your potential, you met good people, you found yourself back.

And then, you made progress. You knew by now what and who you're looking for, you're moving out from home, you started internship, finished it and now start tutoring german.

You start playing squasy, basketball and sign up for kickboxing to manage your depression.

You help friends who they themselves are depressed or facing jalan buntu.

You... you... you can do this, girl.
Bitch just do it :)

Kau tunjuk kat anep, all the mischief he went through each semester,

"kalau kau rasa kau ni exaggerate dengan koyak barai kau, know that you are not exaggerating. Sometimes you forget, so I'm here to remind you. Tiap sem ni, Nep. Chin up :)"

To which he replied with gratitude and thankfulness.

Makin tua, makin kecil circle. So keep the good ones, yang put effort keep in touch with ya, most importantly yang sama wavelength.

*

On a further note, bagus juga circle makin kecik, makin sikit kau jemput untuk nikah kau nanti.

Alhamdolillah Ya Aouloh.

Impian umoq 25 dulu tercapai to have wedding macam Kristina. 50 max. kau Jah

What is it about tulus's song (specifically satu hari di bulan juni) that strongly puts you in the falling-in-love mode, walaupun kau xda boifren.

How come?

*

Any guy singd me this song i'd marry him so badly.

Basically kau tahan nafas sampai seremban.

"Wei hang esok basket mau?"

"Onnnnnn."

*

Kalau ada 10 perempuan macam Mira, senang dunia. Laki senang ja nak set futsal dengan orang-orang depa tak kenal. Soalan aku, pasaipa girls tak bulih buat gutu gak?

Maaf aku nak request, yang bertuah kahwin dengan aku ni, tiap malem harus dendangin gue dengan lagu Tulus-Satu Hari Di Bulan Juni

Kau pulun la sampai bunyi Tulus.

"You can know anything about a guy just by looking at his hands."

(Candice Neistat)

*

So. Fucking. True

"Who wants to be the shotgun this time?" Robin, your mom's foster sister asked.

"What's a shotgun?"

"The one sitting at the front beside the driver."

"Oooo... But why is it called shotgun, anyways? Like gun?"

"Coz during the olden times, the one sitting next to the driver on the carriage would carry a gun. So in case of hazard, he'll shoot."

"Aaaa... Like the one in D'jango!"

"Exactly. So basically the shotgun is the one responsible for your safety."

*

Sekian falsafah orang yang duduk depan.

Bukan sebab nak dapat aircond atau view plg nice...

Explanation Kean Jie sangat rational tadi. He pointed out the mistake in your behaviour and attitude. He was being frank and realistic.

You went a bit calm, your sanity restored.

To which you realised, this is exactly the way Amir would explained things to you back then in Aihaus.

Missing such rational, realistic, debate-able conversation.

*

Susah betul nak dapat sembang curhat gini marcapada ni kau tahu

Not one of those fine days, almost lost your shit as you had to back up kerja group budak sial. Buat taik siak.

You went down the ground floor, terserempak dengan Kean Jie, budak Part II, a year older than you. This chinese guy maki serius macam Melayu totok. Alpha of the 5th year. So far, takda siapa berani cari pasal dengan dia.

And you, all of the sudden, tak da signal ka apa, approached him.

"Aku nak muntah doe Kean Jie. am hating every minutes dengan budak-budak ni."

"Aku nak gi beli air, lepak sana jom."

First time kau frank dengan Kean Jie. Nampak sangat kau desperate, in need of someone to talk to.

*

The bless side of being in a depressed and tensed situation is that God gives you the opportunity to open your eyes to real people with real feelings, real purpose in life and true to themselves.

Survival.

Tuhan tak jahat.

Semput gua dengan archi ukm ni... Budak-budak dia, event-event dia, ya rabbi

Boleh tak, instead of habiskan final year ni, gua nak keje 8 bulan di Aihaus. Kerja barai pun, barailah.

At least, I can protect my sanity...

10 years of degree journey since foundation, and at last you learn one thing

To shut your mouth up

:)

Yesterday made you realize that courage is something to be earned, not given.

Anep (same age as you) could and should have long ago quit.

*

He took law, after a year, dropped it.
Went for diploma in architecture. Worked for couple of years. Continued degree, where you were in the same studio with him.

1st semester, he was devastated, girlfriend broke up and left him.

2nd semester, his two left fingers were chopped off from an accident in our timber workshop. And he is kidal. He lost one whole year of study for recovery.

3rd semester, he was diagnosed with Hepatitis B but a rare case, was transferred to 3 different hospitals. Admitted for the whole semester.

4th semester, he had broken right leg from an accident.

5th semester, his new girlfriend is diagnoses with bone cancer stage 3.

*

I mean, like seriously...

Kepada semua kaum adam di luar sana,
It's okay to cry a river.

Let the pressure out.
You are human too.

And please, crying is never an indicator of one's weakness.

Umar Al-Khattab menangis.
And he's like some of the macho-est guys to walk on Earth.

Cry.
And I can lend you my ears :)

Ear ja la... Shoulder tak mampu, tak halal lol... Even kau lapik sweater, tak halal hahahaaa

Ok takda sapa faham inside joke tu dah sekarang :(

Laki, kalau dia nangis depan kau,

You automatically have a new level of respect or sometimes just new perspective towards him (*tertakluk kepada terma dan syarat)

The other side of him.
Boleh nampak runtuh satu-satu ego.
Boleh nampak sejauh mana dia dah fight.

*

Kot. Ntah.
But that's what you see.

Lieber Allah,

der Tag heute, ist genauso wie die Tage von letztem Semester. Und davon habe ich Angst.

Du hast mich in 2 Monate von meinem Albtraum geheilt. Und nun bin ich wieder da um dieselbe Problem umzugehen.

Lass mich nicht allein, lieber Gott. Und bitte, schick mir mal endlich den Richtige, als Unterstützung und Friede.

Tak sabar nak kurus.

Sebab can wear baggy oversized hoodie and jeans all day all night long 24/7

without looking like a hodoh hippo.

*

No fashion statement, just complete comfort all the way.

Cepatla...

You felt like buying flowers to Ummi for no reason whatsoever. So, you headed to the mall after your site visit.

"Ok, ni cantik sikit tapi rege dia ya ampun... Ni tak cantik, ni tak, ni not bad, ni tak cantik."

So was your thoughts lingering in your head, then suddenly came another thought ntah mana-mana

"Tak baik doe judge flower-flower ni, dia tak minta pun jadi buruk ke cantik."

Pastu rasa bersalah. Eh, babi lah...

*

There you go, ladies and gentlemen, Huda's level of overthinking and compassion.

So you bring him to the mosque for maghrib and we had dinner after that. Followed by lepak at the tasik in front of the mosque. The lake appeared pitch black and the night breeze was quite strong. Dua-dua senyap, layan masalah hidup masing-masing dalam otak.

"Kau bawak rokok kau, Nep?"

He did stop smoking for a while because of his liver complication last semester.

He nodded.

"Aku nak all-out harini." he said.

He started puffing his 3rd by then.

And you?

well, what else is there to do...

On the way driving balik rumah petang tadi sambil memaki migrain yang macam nak pecah otak, you received a text message from Anep.

"Huda... aku sedih... Aku tak tahu nak cakap dengan sapa..."

Anep tak pernah tulis benda gini. Ever. So, you being you, tak suka menaip, terus call Anep.

And all you could hear at the end of the line was your good 27-years-old-guy-friend menangis teresak-esak.

"Eh, Nep, kau dah kenapa ni?"

After a few minutes, you heard him trying to talk, his voice cracked like hell. You couldn't hear a thing. Cakap tersekat-sekat.

"Aku... Gggirlfrii... Girlfriend aku... cancer ttuuu.. cancer tulang... stage 3."

So you, without any hesitaton made a U-turn and headed to his rented apartment.

"Dah kau tunggu bawah, Nep. Lagi 15minit aku sampai."

"Ok."

"Kau sangat tak stable ni. We'll sort this out."

"Ok."

Cyclone ni lyric dia kau tak boleh nak relate sangat... maybe sebab tak faham atau tak tau konteks lagu ni digubah

TAPI

Verse 1 dia something

Here comes a story of a hurricane
And a temper lost like crying tears in rain
No love is lost or no sweet wisdom gained
So save your tears then save yourself the shame

DAN

melody, rhythm and chorus dia ni sangat-sangatlah boleh kita relate.

Chord dia ni something... First time dengar kau terus lost somewhere

*

Cyclone
You're on your own
Cyclone
You're on your own

*

Babi la... betul sangat...

That time of the month where senggugut comes back doing what it does best, hormonal imbalance and an emotional roller coaster ride.

Suddenly you wish it is snowing outside and you have a cup of hot chocolate in your hand.

*

Basically kau nak comfort... Tu je... Dok pusing snow la, hot cokelet la hmmm

"No, kau tengok dah The Nun? Best tak?"

"Tak, aku tak tengok. Tu fitnah akhir zaman."

"Hah? Sebab?"

"Bagi aku dia fitnah orang pakai tudung. Nak tunjuk islam tu salah."

"Hah? Tu Nun lah. Kau pernah tengok nun dengan paderi tak?"

"Tahu. Tapi ntah. Fitnah akhir zaman."

»muka beliau sangat serius...»
»muka kau tahan gelak...»

*

Wow... Boleh tahan budak-budak studio ni. I is amazed.

"Huda, Dr Has tanya tadi, kerja dia dah siap?"

"Dah."

"Ah tipu. Zani dengan Cek pun tipu kata dah masukkan dalam manhole."

"Anis."

"Ha."

"Pigeonhole."

»dia literally menyorok bawah meja»

*

The few plus point of budak-budak tak matang :)

Actually bahaya gak perangai don't-give-a-fuck ni sebab you literally don't give a fuck.

Makanya, let us habiskan what needed for that day to be habiskan pagi-petang. Malam biaq pi la kerja slow melow pun...

You know your pace by this age.
You can control your depression :)

Bruno Major - Easily

Don't you tell me that it wasn't meant to be
Call it quits
Call it destiny
Just because it won't come easily
Doesn't mean we shouldn't try

*

what a chill laidback melody and voice.

boleh jadi anthem untuk sem ni, kita bakal grad, Huda. Damn it it won't come easily even da 7 taon fight, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try :)

*

On a further note: Ehrlich gesagt, ich vermisse deine Stimme, wenn du singst.

Damn.

YAM'S LOGIC (read: greed)

Iman called you late evening today

"Uda, you have to do something with Yam."

"Kenapa, Man?"

"Dia tak bagi Ummi duit doe bulan-bulan sebenarnya. Sekali tu ja. And Ummi paid for her phone bills sebab Yam bagitau Ummi dia tak cukup duit nak bayar."

"What?? Kau gaji 4000 apanya yang tak boleh bayar phone bill? And apa masalah dia tak bagi Ummi duit bulan-bulan, ya rabbi..."

"Dia kejar nak saving kot."

"Saving pala dia kalau makan lunch pon 21 hinggit sehari. Fuck, I'm like in need of money, even that I still gave Ummi 200 when I got only 750 last month. Even the month before that. And how I fucking wish I could give her more."

"Awak bagi Abah tak?"

"Bagi. He almost cried. He said he won't take it."

"Why?"

"Coz dia sendiri berkira dengan kita, but we don't. I don't know."

"I try to remember all the good things about Abah today, just to love him more. And I feel sad, coz he is actually a good person."

"Awak rasa kenapa before-before this Uda ada special tag for Abah in my blog post and only write good stuff about him? Coz I fucking wanna deal with my depression on him. I wanna remember loving him."

*

Ni antara sebab kau benci tak grad-grad sebab kau tahu you could do so much more for the family if you are stable.

Tapi, cara nak tolong Ummi ialah dengan kita tolong diri kita dulu. At least tak jadi beban kepada Ummi. Abah has been pressuring you way too much, especially on my circumstances. That's also why I need to go.

Hang in there, Ummi.

Balik tadi naaaak sangat lepak IOI layan movie. Tapi memandangkan kita on budget, terkubur impi.

But you smiled, coz hey, you got priorities huh young lady :)

*

Young? Kawan hang anak tiga dah kot. Pui.

GIRL CRUSH

"Be as wild as you can, as long as you can."
Candice Neistat

*

she reminds you so much of Kristina :)

nak post entry complain sebenarnya pasal harini di studio... tapi bila fikir balik...

why bother why bother why bother

harung ja lah, nak...
(awal sem boleh la nak kata gitu~)

*

on a further note, you kinda literally don't give a damn anymore to studio coz you are too bersyukur that you might inSyaAllah be able to do your 'hijrah' in two weeks time.

Semalam time packing2 barang masuk kotak terjumpa savings Vienna in EUR yang kau tak convert lagi ke MYR. You did wanna save it for extreme cases. Dan kau terlupa langsung perihal savings tersebut.

Ada hikmahnya jugak kau ni pelupa. Tak ke terkejut akak bukak tupperware dalam laci terjumpa EUR? Sujud syukur terus kita. With side money from tutoring, inSyaAllah boleh sustain ni before being employed.

InSyaAllah.

I wanna begin my year with gratitude towards my family and freunde. So that each time when I'm down, I'll scroll up here and be reminded of those angels God send me at specific time for specific purpose. InsyaAllah.

Also, los geht's.

HIJRAH

In the midst of uncertainties, migrain and complexity, let us find some positivity, shall we?

Tahun baru being 27, you achieved tremendous, dear Huda. You:

1. although almost quiting your study, even dah jumpa lecturer pun untuk quit last semester, and in the most deep shit blackhole, manage to pick yourself up and finished 2nd year.

2. although having a long love-hate-hate-depressing-mental-torture relationship with Abah, manage to get yourself together and helped him with his eyes operation (also last semester) and be there for him for his dialysis. You swallowed everything he said without exploding.

3. do not hate Abah any longer. Love him, accept him as they way he is, pray for him, and move on.

4. got Ummi's blessing on your life decision. Ummi's word yesterday "Selagi korang tak kahwin, selagi tu Abah won't leave you guys alone. So, better move out."

5. earned few small bucks within architecture field of work for the first time :) even penat nokharom but you were happy and grateful. Your boss did even mention that you'll go very far in this field with your attitude in work :)

6. finally having a vague but develope-able after-graduation future goal.

7. moving out from your house and starting to live on your own feet slowly but surely. Starting november ni inSyaAllah. Less than a month to embark on this turning point.

8. finally start tutoring german to support your shit.

9. had the courage to confesse twice in the same year to 2 different guys and got rejected and was okay with it coz you know at the end of the day, you were true to yourself and you saved yourself from many assumptions and false-hopes.

10. after quite a number of past experience jerks since in Vienna until now, realize, know and accept the fact that it's OK if you have to fight your deep shit or share your happiness ALONE. Life goes on with or without a man power/support (a. k. a. boyfriend/future husband) besides you. But you still have hope and keep on praying tho :)

11. establish a small number of trustworthy friends that you keep in your prayers and forever be grateful for esp. during your time in need.

12. finally start on kickboxing to handle your stress and depression and hopefully loose tons of kilo to get fit and your actual figure back.

13. know it's ok to cry a bucket but do pick yourself up after that.

14. did sit for MUET at last walaupun malas dia ya rabb, kalau tak hang tak grad wei...

15. finally had the guts to do your 10-years-long-overdue wish to do a helix piercing, breaking all the boundaries and rules Abah had established. Your own symbol of Progressive Independence, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically and financially.

16. met MatLuthfi in person and he did remember replying your mail after reading your blog. He remembered writing you saying that you were the female version of him (in terms of way of thinking).

17. attended Yasmin Mogahed talk and it was surreal and heart-and-brain cleansing.

18. kheir and grateful with what Allah has ordained to happen and will not question nor doubt His divine Plan.

19. have your first ever nephew, Lev and first ever niece, Sirhan :) and both are Lion! so technically they do fall under the category O Hai, ngiek shemau shemau! :)

Tahun baru, they say

You thought your feelings were numb but you cried and cried after you got Ummi's blessings.

Another turning point in life.
Another fight for your future.
Another blessing in disguise.

*

"Ummi, Uda tak benci Abah, and Uda tak hold any grudge towards him. Masa kat Vienna dulu ye, that's why Uda sanggup tak balik. Now, I do accept him as the way he is. But I have to move out. Uda tak boleh tahan dah dengan Abah. Ummi bless Uda, please."

"I always bless you for your betterment, Huda. I always do."

1st house got for the time being. alhamdulillah.
november kita move out, inSyaAllah. till february.

then we go for 2nd bilik. inSyaAllah

german tutoring start this weekend as well. inSyaAllah

alhamdulillah.

buat kerja sambil nangis is never a good combo.

so, jangan.

1st house to ask. bismillah.

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

(Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist)

still by far your most favourite book of his.

*

today you got an IG's direct message from a long lost friend you met in Austria.

"Nok, cemana nak belajar Jerman cara paling effektif? Aku serius ni."

"Wei nok, kau belajar Jerman dengan aku nak? Every weekend. Aku serius ni."

When your feelings are numb, that's when you know you're on the survival mode.

Fight.

Suddenly when you are on another turning point in life, you forget how it felt to have a crush or fall in love with someone. You read your previous posts of the past few days and you can't remember what you felt.

You're only thoughts were how to survive for the next few years.

When you are out of your comfort zone, alone and needed to survive, your priorities shuffle up itself before your eyes.

WENDEPUNKT

the feeling you have right now, was the same feeling when

you were left alone on your 1st year surviving in Vienna

and when you decided

to leave the girls dormitory (your comfort zone back then) and search for single room apartment and did all the austrian government admin shit alone and found one and moved in

and when you decided to 

change course from engineering to architecture and dealt with MARA and stuff

and when you decided to

finally accept the fact that you have to deal with Abah and fly back home to rescue your study and your sanity.

*

It is the same feeling. Moving out for good, inSyaAllah.

in german, 'gift' means racun
while
in english, 'gift' means hadiah.

*

that's why you like german. it reveals the ugly truth.

Yam broke up with her 1.5 year-long-relationship boyfriend

Iman starts seeing psychologist.

You are moving out of the house.

One thing for sure, us 3 siblings are there for each other this time.

*

Different kind of wave is hitting this family.

Rabbi yassir wa la tuassir.
Rabbi tamim bil kheir.

Abah went mad again.

To be frank, I cannot stand Abah any longer. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually I just can't. It was the very reason as well why I refused to come back home walaupun dah nak mati kat Vienna tu.

.

Moving out soon, inSyaAllah. Dah start cari rumah sewa.

Permudahkan, ya Rabb.

let go, Huda...

kerja Tuhan.
not yours.

while you were scrolling down your blogspot, you encountered this post you wrote 3 years ago.

21 June 2015.

You went speechless and swallow your thoughts slowly but hardly.

melangut pandang langit...

Tell me once again, why you're not the one, kawan?

something about sitting on the floor outside, smelling the rain and gazing at nowhere.

it's like God is cleaning the earth

DENIAL

Kristina had a perfect 7 years relationship with her ex-boyfriend. But 7 years is a long time to know that you've changed so much. So much so that, althought it was perfect before, she knew she and her ex were not compatible with each other anymore. It'll destroy them had they keep on going. Her words was,

"The breakup would have been much easier if he was a jerk. But he is not."

A year later, she met her soulmate and they were married.

You met both the ex and her husband, and you knew her husband was the right one.

*

Atira almost had her wedding but she cancelled off 3 months prior, even after sending off her wedding invitation. She couldn't imagine living a lie with her perfect fiance. Her fiance was however a very good guy. It was just that she knew, they are not meant for each other. Her only regret was not being frank earlier.

*

Uji was about to marry kerabat Aceh which she has almost 2 years  of relationship and it was called off. 4months later she met a guy and they are both married now with a baby.

*

Thing is, it takes a lot of gut, courage and tawakkal to walk out a relationship, be it a perfect one or a disasterous one.

The only thing you could do is to be true to yourself and act on it. By doing so, you'd  have saved so many hearts in the long run.

How much longer can you lie to yourself?

"If people think your dreams are crazy... Good. Stay that way."

Colin Kaepernick

*

A pelik girl slowly venturing into her crazy self to help this crazy world becomes a better place...

It's not about how many hearts you can touch, it's about getting His blessings.

I wanna meet You one day and say, Lord, I did everything I could... to be with You.

I just wanna be happy.

setahun ja lagi, inSyaAllah.

boleh tu...

:)

it was raining heavily on your way to Aihaus. You couldn't help but to pick up the phone and dialed

"Abah, Huda on the way to office Puchong ni. Hujan lebat sangat. Abah keluar solat dah ke?"

"Tak lagi, nak keluar la ni. Kenapa moi?"

"Abah drive safely, hujan lebat. Drive elok-elok tau."

"Ok, moi. Huda pun."

You hung up and tears started rolled down your cheeks. You cried because you just realized, after what deep shits you've been through with him, you still love him so very deeply. You still do care for him.

It was just a phone call.

dear God,

i will not complain,
and i am saying this,

thank you for Amir and Faiq.
thank you for Aisya and Uji.
thank you for Kristina.

bless them all. Amen.

watched Disney's Christopher Robin alone the other day and almost wished Kristina or emmm...ok nevermind was there as well helping you to understand and elaborate further on the deep shit wisdom Pooh talked about.

It was moving, but you needed clarification.

*

Missing all the movie nights you had back then with Kristina... and her unorthodox point of views... and massaging her hand...

you kinda miss jadi kuli urut dia... "oh my, I need that super relaxing malaysian massage of yours."

Funny how you binge-listening to Casey and Candice Neistat podcast for almost 3hours now, having to realise what marriage life is all about and what deep shit they went through only to realize that hey, you don't even have a boyfriend to begin with.

It's like you are almost finish packing your stuff, all booked and checked but like, where the fuck is your travel partner?

*

And you can't lie but you really enjoyed cari barang baby untuk baby Uji the other day. And when you held Uji's baby in your arm, you know you would want one. (not that you'd want one straight away after marriage... settle down dulu...)

*

And you're like, umm...
"am I getting married anytime soon? Coz it feels like it. But like, how?

this is fucking scary."

"Dan apabila hamba-hambaKu bertanya kepadamu (Muhammad) tentang Aku, maka sesungguhnya Aku berada dekat dengan mereka. Aku kabulkan permohonan orang yang berdoa apabila dia berdoa kepadaKu. Hendaklah mereka memenuhi (perintah-)Ku dan beriman kepadaKu agar mereka memperoleh kebenaran."

(2:186)

"Perhaps, in the end, there's no such thing as creative people, there are only sharp observers with sensitive hearts."

(Yasmin Ahmad)

*

Perhaps, to contribute and to touch people's hearts, all what you've gone through is needed,

not your degree cert.

Your path might be different, because your goal was very much different from the very beginning.

So don't compare, dear Huda. You are not doing justice to yourself :)

"My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that which misses me was never meant for me."

Ash-Shafie

*

O Ash-Shafie, what steady heart you have...

Kadang kau takut nak meminta, sebab kau tak pasti apa yang kau pinta (baca: doa) tu would either do any harm to your heart, or just an innocent hope.

You just don't know.

So you went speechless in front of Him.

*

They say, if God wants to give you something, He'll inspire you to pray and ask him for that very same thing.

*

I don't know.

rindu.

tak tipu.

sebenarnya lah kan...
sebenarnya

gua agak malu dan segan jugak lah nak ke kickboxing sabtu ini

sebab gue gajah.
kau boleh bayang gajah menendang cemana?

tapi kalau kau nak tunggu hilang 10kg baru nak pi kickboxing, kau tak payah nak sibuk-sibuk salahkan depression bagai bila down nanti.

maka persetankan perasaan dan overthinking mu.

iya, dilanyak ajaaa...
di bismillah -in aja, dong.

if any on my bucketlistbof people i wanna meet and be friend with, i'd be

suhaib webb
wardina safiyyah
yasmin mogahed
simon and martina

they stress upon psychological matter way too many times. not to mention how strong they are mentally yet remain soft in their hearts

and to that i give my respect.

harini lecturer dah contact and share brief...

tenang-tenang saja, huda.

1 more year to go inSyaAllah...

tarik nafaaas...

hembus....

tarik...

hembus...

tarik...

hembus...

taaa...

tarikk...

hemb..

aaaaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhh

tak mauuu

finally am doing it.

donating off clothes,
sorting out stationaries,
skin cares,
heaps of kotaks of vienna's junk
money
pikiran kusut mu
dan lain-lain

Ke arah minimal dalam hidup yuk :)

Uji, your childhood-until-today-bitch-squad texted last 3 days, she delivered her baby girl 4 weeks early. I guess the baby can wait to meet her mum :)

Your first niece's name is Sirhan (of Uji), lioness.
Your first nephew's name is Lev (of Kristina), lion.

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in fate :)

*

Emmm...

Nak baby jugak...

but then, he is the only abah you have,

your job is to accept him as the way he is and do good as much as you can to him

until his last breath.

*

makin kau tua, makin mencabar tahap bakti kau pada orang tua.

balik migraine just to find out the entire rumah banjir, paip dapur pecah...

maka kau pun gigih lah 3jam tolak air, mop rumah sorang-sorang...

this house is just a perfect reflection of abah, his ego, his materialistic and your feeling towards him.

dah, gua nak settle down borneo,

udang kering n ikan bilis dia terbaek dari langit gue bilang loe.

harini gue mau claim nasi goreng gue paling enak di seantero selangor.

*

got kalimantan, brunei, sabah and sarawak.

where got 3 different kingdoms in one island you tell me? where got?

kick boxing contacted :)

let us fix ourselves first. our lives. our goals. our relationship with God.

let us have a simple way of living.

let us find soulmates to share our moments with.

let us fix our families (within our power)

let us find our ways.

coz after all,

let us be happy.

let us enter your Jennah.

QULUB

As hard as it is to ever find a guy who understands you, so much harder it is having to understand that you have to let go of the guy himself.

it is out of my hands and power.
I leave it to You, dear Lord o ya muqallibal qulub.

You introduce him to me for whatever reason,
so I let You take him away from me for whatever reason.

It is Your devine plan after all.

Kheir inSyaAllah.