Abah is a good man except when it comes to money matters, he is of someone else.

And now that you're all grown up, and starting to earn money, you see even more of that 'someone else' part of him.

And it is ugly.

very much.

what would you feel when you happily share a portion of your allowance to your abah and he questioned your pay as it was not par to your effort?

what would you feel when all your hardwork and coping up with stress and depression to graduate was questioned by your abah after he found out that he's not impressed with your soon-to-get-fresh-grad basic salary?

what would you feel when you know all along your abah's measurement of success is by the bucks stuffed in your bank accounts and not by the happiness in the eyes of God?

what would you do when you see after all these years of us sacrificing our time effort sweat tears and sometimes blood, even after loosing his kidneys, your abah never really change?

no,

you'd do nothing.
coz this time you know
it's out of your hands.

If there's one thing I'd like to address,
I come from a broken family,
not physically,
but mentally,
and let us pray
not spiritually.

We all fight our own battle.

It felt like we are being pull and torn apart,
from every corner.

I proposed,
for a simpler living,
for us to chuck away,
everything excessive,
for us to eliminate,
everything not needed.

If only Abah would listen.

You heard Yam cried on the phone to her boyfriend today in her room. Not sure what's all about but it did sound serious.

guess everybody is fighting a battle that we'll never know about.

even that of your sister's.

KUNTO AJI - SUARA

Kunto Aji ni, bahasa dan harapan dia win.
betui-betui win baq hang...

*

Kami datang dengan keyakinan besar
Kami bentuk diri diatas pengalaman
Dibawa angin yang berhembus kencang
Ini suara hati yang lantang terekam kegelisahan
Dengarlah oh dengarlah
Barisan muda bergerak menggantikan yang berserak
Dengarlah oh dengarlah
Barisan muda bergerak menggantikan yang berserak

that moment when your depression is at the front door but you hold tight not to let it in.

not this time.

the biggest battle is the battle of self. Jihad an-Nafs.

leaving Aihaus and feel thankful and blessed.

tenang-tenang aja.

takdir itu bisa diterima dengan hati yang lapang, selapang padang bola Jalan 3, luas, seluas lautan pasifik.

let it just be of good memories. to be simpan-ed dalam bekas butter cookie bekas jahit itu. tak buka-buka sampai bila.

inSyaAllah.

Dear Allah,

Help me to detach.

AGAIN

It's been 2 times already in 3 days that you vomited (without force) what you ate.

It's been 4 days in a row that you are experiencing sleeping difficulties again, near subuh baru boleh tido.

*

Dear Huda,
your body is getting anxious and stressed out again. You don't wanna fall into that pit again.

Dear Allah,
I thought I could, but really I can't do this alone. I need You and Your Strength and Your Compassion and Your Mercy.

I need You.

Help.

TEARS

"Tears are mercy that Allah put in the hearts of the believer."

-Yasmin Mogahed

Emotion, when suppressed, becomes toxic, which than converted to anger. What worst than anger towards Allah?

*

All prophets cried. They were all true to their emotions.

WRITE LAH

Ok tak boleh. I just need to write. It drives me crazy.

journalism much.

STOP WRITING?

A part of me did say that I should stop posting my thoughts in blog coz slowly, I feel paranoid and self-centered.

A part of me did say I should delete all my social media accounts and disconnect coz I feel disillusional.

Truth is, I dont know.

ZIEL #3 - ISTIKHARAH

You know you've changed so much and your priority fixed when your FIRST EVER istikharah is going to be on your recently-more-like-semalam-planned life goal.

Slowly but surely.

Boleh, Huda. Pelan-pelan kayuh.

*

Orang istikharah jodoh, hang istikharah plan hidup. Lol.

AL-MAGHRIB

Bless Yasmin for her effort and preserverance.

Bless her.

RUH

"Souls are like crowds which gather together. The ones who met before get along well. The ones who did not meet before, cannot get along very well and separate."

(Bukhari, Anbiya 2, Muslim, Birr, 159, Abu Dawud, Adab, 19)

*

That is why you met some people and immediately felt as if you knew them forever already. You just connect and able to understand each other for no  good reason. Your soul agreed.

The same as why you met some people, you put effort in connecting but you knew something just didn't click. Not that the other person is bad, on the contrary, he/she/they could be the sweetest, but your soul seek elsewhere.

MENOPOS

Senggugut is not a women's bestfriend I tell you. Dia tarik belakang kau baik punya.

was about to complain to Ummi until you heard Ummi said,

"Oh Ummi lupa nak re-stock pad, sejak Ummi dah tak period ni."

maka kau batalkan niat nak mengadu. Bersyukurlah... at least you get to period.

Abah #20 - REDHA

You starrtled coming back home late at night, stumbled upon Abah just as you reached the door.

"Abah tak tidur lagi?"

"Tak, kaki Abah cramp."

So you dropped everything to the floor and came to help Abah. He sat on the wooden chair, lifting his right leg.

You pushed and pulled his leg several times. You were scared as you see how his muscles literally contracted and released, how his vein became so tegang-ed like it was about to snapped. You realised how weak his body looked like, how dry and dead his skin was. His nails were somewhat looked very shatttered, unhealthy.

You held back your reaction, so as not to scare him. You kept on messaging and pressing his leg inwards and outwards.

"Tiap malam ke, Bah?"

"Haah. Almost."

"Maybe kita boleh try rendam dengan air panas kot, Bah."

"Abah dah try semua. Tak jadi. It's okay. Terima je."

You looked at Abah. He smiled tiredly holding back his pain, while you holding back your tears.

Abah #19 - JID

"Huda, baby baru kat bawah tu nama dia, Jid."

"Ada baby baru, Bah? Tape nama ye Jid? "

"Sebab Abah jumpa dia kat masjid. Abah habis subuh tengok dia ada lagi, so Abah bawak dia balik. Abah kata 'come, jom balik rumah.' "

"Alaaa..."

*

Abah's soft spot will remain forever. May Allah bless you, Abah.

WORK YER BUTT AND BOOBS OFF

1. TUTOR JERMAN: [Financial Support and Language Proficiency]
- for kumpul duit as well as getting ready for life goal.

2. KICK BOXING: [Mental and Physical Health]
-for a healthy life style, depression and stress management, getting back your long lost body figure

3. VIDEO EDITING TUTORIAL, WEBSITE SET UP FOR JOURNALISM, POETRY AND PHOTOGRAPHY: [Critical and Crucial Soft Skill]
- ni memang slow-slow baby steps ke arah life goal.

4. FUNDAMENTALS IN ARCHI: [Finding Personal Principle]
- ni basically how to navigate your goal. What you actually want to contribute. First kena kenal diri la kot ni.

5. JUZ 'AMMA AND VOLUNTERISM: [Spiritual Being and Faith]
- to finally get it all memorized and get your prayer sorted, to instill thankful and kheir by volunteering and engaging with nature. Hike Baby hike!

Haus des Interns

There are places where you know you could only live once and you swear not to re-live it, coz you know the second time will not be same. In fact, it will be the exact opposite. You will grow to hate it.

So you know your time is up, and you let it just be of a good memory.

That is the case of Aihaus.

OWN HOME

guess, the thing you missed most living alone in your mini 21m^2 single room apartment is that you have your own small little kitchen where wonders of food paradies pops out of it.

And your own little DRY toilet and shower.

And your own window where dozens of candles lighted up your nights.

Kristina loved your small sanctuary. She said it was the coziest.

INTROVERT

slow-slow kita shift ke lubuk IG private kita balik.

introvert loading 67%

too much vulnerability in the public world.

nasib budaya baca blog ni dah berkurun lama ditinggalkan umat manusia.

So you can archive your life here peacefully.

Mana tau satu hari nanti, jadi producer film, content kita pakat cedok ja dalam blog ni. Story hang pun boleh tahan rare gak.

Unless Mr Google decide nak shut down blogspot for good haaa time tu hang kabut.

On a further note, in case you finally find your Hang Jebat, you just pass him your blog link ja la kot senang. Pandailah hang khatam kisah silam Tun Teja hang.

*

Jebat, sebab dia rational, guna otak.
Bukan Tuah, hebat tapi a blind follower.

Until when he realized it was too late, he uttered a very significant line,

"Buat baik berpada-pada,
buat jahat jangan sekali."

*

Berpada-pada,
else you get pijak-ed.

ZIEL #2 - HERZ

more than I knew myself,

so guide me, O Lord.

ZEIL #1 - 1. SCHRITT

I think, I'm ready to take the next step of the new chapter.

I'll approach Neollene for advice on this.

Boyfriend or no boyfriend, soulmate or no soulmate, the next chapter has to go on. If it was meant for you to fight alone, then so be it. Kheir.

Life goal needed fixing already.

Kheir. InSyaAllah.

WWK #55 - HELP OUT

There was the time when Kristina almost killed herself, and you help her all the way through her massive life crisis, though you yourself was fighting hard with your own depression.

She came to your apartment all the way from northern Germany, and together you helped her in planning strategies for her escape route. Macam cite FBI wa cakap lu.

We listened to her recorded conversation with her senior boss, the threat, and analysed it all.

Long story short, she managed to pull off the strategy we planned.

*

Buatkan kau fikir, even dalam keadaan serba nak mati kau tahan depression kau, kau masih boleh defend orang yang kau sayang. Till your last energy.

Well, how unselfish you can be to your loved ones, right? :)

Keep up, Huda.

JP #7 - RINDU

Dekat seminggu dua ni dok rindu Japan lain macam. Kyoto and the shrine especially.

Paihtu Neollene pulak dok ada kat Kyoto.

Hmmm....

Why ah?

WWK #54 - GRIT

It was a lazy night, so there goes the two of you laziying on the couch of the Gemeinschaftsraum watching an animal documentary.

A flock of penguin enjoying their lives when suddenly in came a group of seals attacking them for food.

Most escaped except for one penguin. Death was on its way

"Go penguin gooooo!!! You can do it!! Goooooo!!! Run run!!!"

"Shut up, Huda. It's going to die. It had no chance anymore."

"No. Gooo penguin gooo!!"

"Fuck, shut up! It will die"

The penguin was struggling to escape. It was already between the seals teeth.

"Penguin you can do it! Fight fight!"

"Fuck don't you see, the seal had it already."

And out of much struggle, the penguin escaped.

"Oh my God, I don't believe it."

"See Kristina, that is the definition of faith. Until you are dead, you fight."

KOPH HOCH

Mein "Intuition" sagte,
ich soll weiter gehen und meine scheiße sortieren.

ich glaube, mehr oder weniger weiß ich schon, wo ich stehe und wo genau ich hingehen soll.

Nur, ob ich die Mut habe.

KRISTINA IS BACK

"Why do you keep on stumbling upon these kind of guys?"

"I don't know. And I really don't want it. It's frustrating and tiring you know."

"Yeah, since the day I know you in Vienna."

"Right... It scares the shit out of me. Maybe something in me is wrong? Maybe I need to fix myself? I dunno. And I'm honestly tired."

"Or maybe because you're still fighting with your father?"

"I thought that too, but we resolved that this year already. So I guess, it's just me who needed fixing, maybe."

*

Sebulan lost contact, and today at last you get to get your real shits out. Kenapaaa kau jauh sangat, Kristina...

PODDY

You know you're super comfy with 27 when you enjoying listening to podcast of your choices over mainstream songs or radio.

1. Caisey Neistat and Candice
2. Simon and Martina
3. Buah Mulut (Takahara Suiko and Anwar Hadi)

good listening :)

CROCS

"How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

"How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!"

*

Not all that appeared beautiful from the outside are safe to be ventured on the inside.

FRIEND

You've been strong alone long enough, kawan.

Let me offer you my helping hand.

PULANG

'PULANG' was nicely written. For a Malay film, the cinematography was a huge mile stone though few of its CGI Effects still need improvement.

But to know that it was of a true events, lived truly by someone, was heartbroken-ing.

How strong was that family. The kind of test God put them through.

GERUCH

That feeling, of missing someone, when he/she is right there in front of you and you can do nothing about it.

Rindu ni ada sejenis bau.

NAFAS

"And he found you lost and guided you."
[93:7]

*

Dah lama sangat rasa lost. It feels relief to finally be able to see a glimpse of the track.

Kabus lagi la tapi.

But, hey. Kheir :)

KHEIR

The first time you set foot in Aihaus for internship, you thought you'd be the coldest intern ever and not make any significant memories there.

You thought you'd be living a monotone phase, exactly what you wished for after an exhausting sem 4.

Little did you know that, it was 180° turn over to your expectation and a reflection of your innerself.

Vielen Dank, lieber Gott.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.
Kheir.
Kheir inSyaAllah.

*

tak tau brapa kali lagi ni nak kheir sampai puas kata kheir.

Kheeeeeir Alhamdulillah.

Kheir.

ZURÜCK ZU DIR

Maybe, just maybe,

the only reason God throws you in this field (archi) was for you to find yourself back.

What your heart yearns most.
What your eyes seeks.
What your intuition understands.

Because architecture and design is subjective, prones to human's favour.

And maybe, just maybe, the only thing your heart yearns was something sharp yet meaningful.

A simple life.

Of one purpose only.

God.

DEEN

There were times when you completely lost yourself, so you watched videos of the reverts.

The analogy they described the moment they uttered the syahadah as a relief. A letting go of all the burden in the world. Because at last, you had someone to hang on to.

They said it felt like a cold tap water was opened and in goes the cold water running through inside the head flushing everything you had in mind.

*

It's time to back reflect back your 'kheir' on your deen, liebe Hudochka.

SHOUKR

Too tired to write,
but still have to.

Your last-3-month prayer to get spiritually healed while going through internship is answered bit by bit already.

guess at 27, you still haven't grab enough that concept of Shoukr.

To be contented and grateful for what's given and to strive to contribute with what's given.

GILA

rasa macam nak freehair esok pi ofis.

so as just to expose yourself to the world and scream, what else do you want, Dunya?! It seems like you want to suck every pieces of me, it seems like you are aftering my soul!

Here, let me expose my physical so you'd be happy, and just leave me alone!

*

HELP

Maybe you should just scream out for a basketball troops to release all these tension in you.

Or swim?

God help.

MR. D

Depression creeps in this time ever so slowly.

Again, another strange dream.

You decided not to go to work and lock yourself in your dark room. You don't wanna face the world.

Then you saw a glimpse of your piercing. A reminder that you promise to fight this time.

*

27 and still fighting alone... how tiring can that be?

At times you feel unfair, of those around you, also fighting their battle, but they are a team of 2, having each other for support and love. That makes any battle worth fighting.

How lucky are they.

Ummi #7 - OF UMMI AND PIERCING

Maybe the 1st step has to come from you, so, yesterday night, you tried to break the wall.

"Ummi, boyeh tak tolong uda sapukan ni kan telinga?"

"What's this?"

"Satu sea salt water to sterile kan kawasan piercing. Sebab piercing ni fresh lagi. The other one tu to prevent any infection from happening."

And you looked at her facial expression.

"And you thought you had a daughter, right?" you continued.

She smiled malu-ly, she just realised anak dia boleh baca dia.

Just as she wiped the salt water on to the piercing area, you went,

"Cantik tak?"

"Boleh lah."

*

One wall broken down. Syukur.

JP #6 - THE SHRINE

Nyanpi, Me-chan, Moe-chan, Me-chan no okasan, (gila hang boleh ingat lagi nama depa ni) were on bicycles, paddling fast. You followed behind clueless to where we were heading to.

It was a beautiful autumn.

Passed the concrete structures you slowly entered the realm quiet entrance of the shrine. The path was defined by the arrangement of huge trees bearing their red autumn leaves.

A sudden serenity entered your soul.

It is true what they said, eyes are the door to one's soul.

We climbed the stairs that led us to a big bell hung up the shrine ceiling. They held the huge rope, asking you to join in.

Together we rang the bell. And you watched them prayed. Okasan whispered to you in japanese,

"I pray you get the best husband."

the 12-years-old you looked at her perplexed. She winked and smiled softly.

*

Balik tu bagitau Ummi pi sembahyang kat tepekong jepun. Dan dan tang tu gak dia suruh mengucap balik depan dia.

Leaving the 12-year-old Huda terdetik  soalan dalam otak, sudah murtad kah aku? lol

AN #25 - BEZIEHUNG

"Huda, why don't you have a boyfriend?"

Seriously, if I knew the answer, I might have a boyfriend now. At least, I'd know what went wrong or what to fix...

"Ntah la, Nini. Tak jumpa yang compatible kot. I'm not easily understood, I guess. I don't wanna survive in a relationship. I want because of the relationship, we survived and achieved many things."

"Do you want a relationship like your parents'?"

"No."

And she started to open up. Turned out we are not much of a difference.

There are reasons why we cross-path, dear Nini.

Leah #1 - 27

"Huda, sorry... but we were both fucked up."

"Haah. Tahu. Aku tak marah kau. But I don't wanna push it. Sebab tu aku decide biar Allah yang susun. I did my part already."

"So, now?"

"Now dah cross path dengan kau balik, dah peluk kau meroyan tengah-tengah mall memang tak la nak lepaskan kau."

"Haha bodoh. I need you, Huda."

"I know. Satu soalan, am I acting my age now?"

"Ja, schon :) Auf jeden Fall."

SEARED

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest soul, for a great persona are seared with scars."

-Khalil Gibran-

*

Have always loved Gibran's quote but never knew he was the sifu of Rumi until told by Amir last month.

'seared with scars.'

seared ni translation dia nice kalau hg kata kena 'sira' la kot. Macam keropok ikan sira gula cili tu. Tapi instead, kena sira dengan scars.

Gitu.

PROGRESSIVE INDEPENDENCE

Piercing is just a piercing until you give it a symbolic meaning.

AN #24 - PURPOSE

God trains you to be strong, to be a fighter for a reason.

His Plan is bigger than your thoughts all combined.

Keep calm.

AN #23 - CONVERSATION

"Huda... are you lonely?"

And you just smiled.

Nini was a sweetheart. She reads you too well.

*

The thing is, being a non-default is not easy.

Ameen #43 - FAITH

Iman is a good name.

a strong name.

Ameen #42 - CARPE DIEM

When we were small,

dancing in the rain was magical,
figuring out the formation of cloud was like bringing you to the other world,
digging sand and dirt was an adventure.

When we were small,
we were happy,

'cause we appreciated the little things.

FAHM

At 27 you learn not to chase,
but to slow down on your pace,

to listen, to hear
to watch, to see
to smell, to touch

so to comprehend what went away and what is waiting ahead

but most importantly
what lies in the present.

They say Patience is Faith.

RELIEF

If your soulmate would ever appear, the only thing you'd wanna do is to bury yourself in his arm and cry ever so silently of relief, comfort and security.

What took you so long?

*

*

*

*

And if you are no Malay, it better be because you were sibuk learning BM or belajar makan pekasam.

Like seriously.

AR #39 - A+I Haus

"Aku tengok kau nampak happy je kat A+I."

*

It's not that A+I is awesome or a happy place (on the contrary, exhausted kot)

it's just that you are so thankful it is not a universoty, not the immatured toxic studio collegues, not the way-too-young sluts walking your way, not the beauracratic nor political system of the university.

Because for once since long you can remember, you are in real world, with people of your age.

Because for once since a very long time, you felt right.

WARISAN

That strong urge to wear baju kurung kedah for no reason.

Something about its simplicity.

TERDIAM

For having to go through hell, trials and tribulations, alhamdulillah, thuma alhamdulillah

*

"Sometimes the people with the worst past create the best future."

(Umar Ibn Al Khattab)

KORBAN?

Don't be deceived, my friend.
Don't be a man-slave.

I pray for you, kawan.

WOMEN

Women (bitches) know exactly how to play helpless and let the men feel they are their heroes and saviour of any tangled situation.

They manipulate the feelings of men. They made men feel superior.

Men thought it's a win-win situation, when in fact, the women (bitches) got what they want and left the men in his illusion of his superman world.

*

Sincere women are different, I tell you. Very different.

*

You know, coz you were once a bitch. La taubat dah lah. luls

ASR

Everyday you get a fresh 86,400 seconds of blessing given by Lord.

Everyday decisions were made on how to invest that 86,400 seconds wisely.

Everyday you lived the consequences of the way you used that 85,400 seconds.

Start. Play. Die. Repeat.

JP #5 - REPLY

"Sumimasen. Kyo wa IC-kurasu  ga/wa (x igt grammar) arimasen."

"Jya, ima nanni o suru?"

"Hon o yomu."

and as you walked back to your seat from the front door, you heard some of the students whispered

"sugge (sugoi)"

It was a simple conversation with Waki Sensei, but you knew it meant a lot. Because at last, you were able to reply like any normal 12-year-old kid would. Fluent.

*

La hilang habih da la... jenuh la nak asah balik jepun ni atoi.

DM #29 - COMMON SENSE

You don't simply amik gambar, touch or worst cium mana-mana budak comel you encounter in public.

Have some respect to the parents for goodness sake.

I, too, love budak. But I'd never let some strangers hug kiss snap pic of my kids.

It's just plain wrong.

AS #2 - AISYA SHAFIE

There are people you crossed path in life. They come, they go. Once and for all.
For a reason.

But there are also people you meet in loop.
They come, they go, they come back.
These people are small in numbers.
They have special place in your heart and in your prayers.

AS #1 - SIMPLE

Today at The Billboard,

"You check your Darren's phone, Sya?"

"Hell no! Are you kidding me? I phone dia rings pun I segan nak tengok screen kot."

*

Dah, gua angkat tangan, beb. From now on, bench mark girls gua are those who leave their men's phone untouched.

Simple thing, huge impact.

WWK #53 - SUPPORT

Meine liebe Kristinochka,

funny how hard it is to find support system here in your own motherland.

I miss crying in your arms and you stroking my hair while whispering "It's okay. You did well."

JP #4 - TIPU

Japan is the most beautiful during the spring in April. When the sakura blooms its white pinkish petals having an intense contrast to it's heavy dark brown trunk.

They say, the depressed Japs would tonggak arak under the sakura trees until mabuk teruk and be happy cause they thought they were in paradies already.

*

Manusia sangat mahir menipu diri sendiri.

Ruginya.

WWK #52 - PELIK

"Hey, Kristina... do you ever check Stephan's handphone?"

"No. I think that's wrong. Why should I?"

"Just what my thought said :) That's why we clicked, Kristinochka."

*

Is it a Malay thing to be checking your man's woman's phone? Ainur does that, Amir's gf does that, others do that as well.

If you can't trust your man to handle small irrelevant stuff or him distinguishing friends, foes and bitches, how do you expect to trust him in handling bigger stuff?

The lives of you both and your children.

Why love someone you're afraid isn't able to handle his own personal affairs? Where's the security in that?

JP #3 - KANJI

You always rushed with your kanji tutorial and showed it to Kinoshita Sensei only to be adviced to slow down and take time to understand what you wrote.

Truth is, you wanted to be as par with the others in your class. So you can be as Japs as they can be.

Truth is, you just want to feel belonged.

*

maka dari kecil lagi kau bukanlah seorang yang penyabar. luls.

JP #2 - No. 509

You remember our apartment number, 509, in Shugakuin and the tatami room.

That was the 1st time you encountered good numbers.

*

Ok nak muntah. Tak boleh brain ingat benda ni. Kau kecik kot masa ni.

JP #1 - DOWN THE MEMORY LANE

DEMACHI YANAGI STATION

You used to be 12 and naik train sorang-sorang dengan Iman (10), for basketball tournament.

*

Ah sudah... Flashback... Penat jadi Huda ni, dia ingat memories, emotion and smell.

God I even remember the station name and the smell of the school there? Creepy siot...

Ameen #41 - WAKI AKIO

Iman suggested about a month ago, that we 3 sisters should start kumpul duit for a year till she graduates,

and we 3 would embark on a journey to Kyoto, Japan to trace back our childhood memory.

Especially our Shugakuin Shogakko.

*

maybe you should start cari balik Waki Sensei. 15 years ago man... flashback

ELMO #7 - SHADE 'EM KILOS

Indoor basketball court detected!

Now, if I can only find mates (min. 6 sbb blh main 3 on 3), that'll be great.

Dengan kuasa sakti suria kaprikon, MENJELMALAH!

ELMO #6 - HELIX

05/08/2018 (today) two Standard Piercing done

18/08/2018 at 3.30/15:30 (next Saturday) one Helix Piercing appointment done

*

Don't you just love that number arrangement :) Have always believe in numbers since the 1-year stay in Kyoto, Japan in 2003.

Doumo arigatou ne, Nihon. (rindu all those hiragana, katagana and kanji... kanji the most... and the shrine)

Here's to a symbolic beginning.

ELMO #5 - LILLAHI TA'ALA

In the end,
all you want is to be happy (in God's definition), and content and closer to God.

Tak kisah contribution sekecil mana, asal semampu kapasiti diri.

You might not change anything. But you did all you can.

AN #22 - KHEIR INSYAALLAH

Tak pernah lagi seumur hidup aku, takda misunderstanding miscommunication dalam whatsapp regarding deep conversation.

Gila kau ni, Amir.

May God bless you and your girlfriend/future soulmate.

*

Sujud syukur. Few hal settled. Here's to another-loncatan Huda. Esok kasi 3 ear piercings :)

3 is always a good number.

Abah #18 - SUSU

Abah requested for teh susu. You came with one, then Ummi went like

"mana awak dapat susu?"

Yam tahan gelak already. Koajaaaaq.

"From Yam obviously."

*

Tell me, how to get suci brain when you family is like this lol.

BANGSA

Malaysia Baharu ni lebih kurang malaysia lama je...

where got perubahan?

Ink kat kuku pun makin hilang, sehilang harapan pada bangsa sendiri untuk bangkit berubah.

ELMO #4 - JERMAN

Walaupun kita takda komitmen boyfriend lagi, dan berkemungkinan besar tak kawen pun lepas grad (sebab salah tafsir org yang kita target tu) dan kita pun tak pasti hala tuju archi ke dak lepas grad ni TAPI

saving dah kena start balik wei. Umoq nak 30 da ni.

Duit saving Vienna dah makin tipis. Pedih gua tengok, bhai.

Maka, jom start usha jerman tutoring slots.

ELMO #3 - PIERCE

Ni dah alang-alang nak remake diri sendiri ni, marilah kita buat 1st goal long overdue kita esok.

To pierce your ears.

Mam besaq bagi greenlight pierce upper ears 😎

FAMILIA

Habis Aqiqah Yad, Kak Huda and Abg Pit. We Penangites ni memang hingaq, cakap macam ada speaker sebelah. patut la hang super extrovert dulu.

(Patutlah Allah bagi hang Vienna untuk tone down hang balik)

If arwah Tok Wan, Tok Ah, Mak Chaq and Pak Ngah were here, I wonder how much further hingaq we could get :)

ELMO #2 - BARU

Hang masuk Run 5km. Attire hang tak berapa nak prepare, End up jari kaki hang melecet teruk dan tinggalkan luka yang sangat buruk.

Kesan luka tu makin hari makin hitam. Geram. Hang janji dengan diri tak mau Run dah sebab jari kaki dah tak cantik.

Harini genap sebulan Run. Hang terpandang jari kaki hari tu. Geram, hang capai gunting, nak buang kesan hitam luka tu.

Tak payah gunting, scratch terus tercabut. Terserlah kulit baru di bawah tu. Untouched. Baru.

*

Benda baru nak datang, dia akan kena buang yang lama dulu, Huda. Law of physics states that two matter can't occupy one space at the same time.

Nak Huda yang kuat long-term, kena buang Huda yang kuat short-term :)

Nak buang benda lama. Sebab tu sakit.

ELMO #1 - STOP

Scrolling down all your posts since early this year. Eyy, enough weeping, girl.

Head's up. Chin up.

Senyum :)

KHEIR

Ujian aku ialah,
bersangka baik pada Tuhan.

Ujian aku ialah,
beriman dengan sebenar-benar Iman.

Bahwa Dia maha mendengar,
sebesar mana suara mulutmu,
sekecil mana suara qalbumu.

*

We plan,
Allah plan,
and He is the best Planner.

Kheir. 'Ala kulli hal. Kheir.

Kheir, ya Rabb.

KHEIR

All these crying is exhausting for this week. Sama macam bulan Jun hrtu, and the few final months in Vienna.

No, this is not cry. This is weep.

Your divine plan, dear Lord, is too much to handle for such a fragile soul. Way too much.

Kau kuatkanlah. Kheir.

ON RELATIONSHIP

1) Guy 1: You used to wait for confession. And it ended up dreadful. The guy waited too long for you to open up.

2) Guy 2: Another time came, so you promise yourself, " this time I'll do it my way. I decide. " So you confessed. Turned out you were his transition. He was waiting for his ex to come back.

3) Guy 3: This time around, last Friday, you were so close to confess, but you held yourself, because you didn't know what was right. You went through both ways before.

This one is different, so you were afraid of the outcome. This one is supportive and kind ( and a jerk at the same time), but you feel the calmness. This guy, you don't have to explain your complicated way of thoughts, he understands altogether.

Turned out he has a girlfriend and he met her parents alright.

Today you cried in front of him (and a girl), because you can't contain no more.

It is an accumulation of frustration of study, relationship, friendship, financial constrain, family and the tangled timeline.

CRY 5

Came back home today to find out that little Coco died today. Kena langgar kereta.

Baru bagitau Ainur nak bawa Coco ke klinik petang tadi.

KHEIR

When I meet God, I'll have tons to tell him.

Kheir.

GERSANG

Baru tahu harini, your all time fav song since zaman sekolah was actually written by M. Nasir.

Way too many hopes in one song

Dok main lagu ni tak habis ulang di Vienna dulu, cari wahyu kau tahuu...

*

Kembara di Tanah Gersang - Al Jawaher

Kembara berjalan bersendirian,
Mencari jalan pulang,
Bilakah masanya embunkan menjelma,
Di tanah gersang yang membakar.

Alangkah pedihnya nasib kembara,
Ditengah khatulistiwa,
Tak siapa yang dapat menghilangkan dahaga,
Namun tetap ia bertahan.

Kami semua senasib denganmu,
Wahai kembara di tanah gersang,
Mencari kebahgiaan dalam hidup,
Menempuh berbagai rintangan yang ada,
Namun bahgia masih impian.

Kau masih berjalan di bawah sinar,
Bulan bintang yang membimbingmu,
Suatu hari kau kan bertemu,
Sungai mengir di taman indah,
Nanti di suatu masa.

QADR

dah lama sangat ni tak sujud pada Kau

di sepertiga malam.

izinkan aku, berjumpa Kau.

BEG

"I beg you God."

*

beg ni hina
kau merayu.
that's why you have the word 'begger'.
peminta sedekah.

because you have to be at your lowest level to beg.
your worth become nothing in front of Him.

*

So, dear God,
I beg You.
Help.

TULAR

Dear Huda,
your eye lid starts to twitch since yesterday. Today, more intense.

guess, your body knows the final year is approaching soon.

7 years of journey. Permudahkanlah, ya Rabb.

Can I not do this alone, dear God? Can You please send me somebody to hold my hand to get through this?

I beg.

GET SET, GO!

"Huda, jom Sabtu. On tak on?"

"Onnnn la babi oonn!"

*

Am sooo over this post-depression effect. Shade this extra 25kg off.

25 gila.

2

5

*

Fuck.

KASHMIRI

Movie semalam dia shoot kat Kashmir nak menangis tengok (nangis lagi... eh babilah tisu sangat ni...).

Sebab kau ingat Abah,
of his promise masa dia muda dan kuat dan berduit dulu.
beriya nak bawak kami pi Kashmir.

*

"Ainur, cancel lah Cameron, kita Kashmir la weih."

"Gituuu~"

CRY 4

eh banyak sangat kau nangis ni jah dalam sehari. Tak yah nak drama melayu sangat boleh?

kot kalau nangis ni dapat kembalikan body figure and weight before depression dulu ok gak.

Tak, kan?

Hah moh le basket.

p/s: pinky da mati.... nangis lagi....

CRY 3

I cried,
I cried real hard this time,

for in the midst of human traffic
I saw you Leah,
for you knew how much I've changed since we were in Germany,
for how you've changed as well,
for how we big our disagrement was,
for how harsh it ended up.

So, I cried even more,
when you decided to hug me tight,
in the middle of the ocean of people,
and you said your apology and I said mine.

Allah lindungi kamu, Leah.

CRY 2

I cried,
of happy tears,

for receiving that allowance from this shitty architecture world,
for surviving this far,
for deciding not to quit.

so there goes
1/3 for Ummi,
1/3 for Abah,
1/3 for the sane self.